How to Beat Final Fantasy 5 EZ (The one with the Monks and Ninjas)!

     Final Fantasy 5 is the least intuitive RPG ever. It's a game built around fruitlessly and inconsequentially customizing the four most forgettable characters in Final Fantasy history by using a useless ass job system that magically becomes a very broken ass job system on the second to last screen. You have no defense stat, meaning your ability to take hits is completely dependent on your armor. This means that you will always take the amount of damage as carefully intended by the programmers even if you're properly equipped. No matter how much you excel at the game, your defensive capability is locked in. It's also frustrating and difficult for newbies. It's probably the least popular FF and that's why it was passed over for an international version the first time around. Wanna know how to beat it?

• First off, don't get carried away buying equipment until you unlock your first set of jobs
• Once you unlock the first set of jobs, make everyone a monk. Monks are dirt cheap and very effective fighters because the damage formulas for fists is broken.
• Alternately, some characters as white mages to improve their white magic skill as new white magic becomes available. This becomes insanely easy once you earn the barehanded fighting ability from the monk job. You want everyone to be able to double as a healer. Do this for the rest of the game until you earn the highest level of white magic.
• When the ninja job becomes available, make two characters ninjas. You will commit the other two to mastering the monk job. 
• When your monks master their jobs, make them ninjas. Then, change your other ninjas into monks until they master their monk job and then make them ninjas again. This should take you till the end of the game.
• Having 4 ninjas is overkill and super expensive. This way, we also get to take advantage of the monks for being dirt cheap to equip.
•  After mastering the ninja jobs and the monk jobs, make your characters their starter class. Equip all the best stuff and go into the last dungeon. clear it. In the second to last room, you can encounter enemies called movers who drop ~200ABP/battle. Earn all the other abilities and master all the other jobs you like. Return to the world map and complete the side-quests. Come back and finish the game.

* NOTE: Some boss battles require alternate strategies. For instance, the fire boss you fight at the end of the steam ship is weak against Ice 2 and nothing else so make everyone a black mage for one battle only and spam it.

Addendum (9/2026) someone needs to equip an ice rod to power up their ice spells, then that character needs to use an ice rod in battle as an item. This casts Ice 3, but the rod breaks. I can one-shot the boss.

     That's it. Monks and Ninjas. Forget everything you know about RPGs, fantasy games, adventures, etc. This is actually the ideal way to get through this RPG. You can only make it easier if you grind a few other abilities on the side if you know what abilities you'll need in advanced. Every other job in the game is useless garbage.

God's Love is Bullshit; A Final Definition of Love

Once, I thought about the feeling of love an realized it is a vaguely defined, abstract concept. Da Fuq is it! Srsly! So I gots to the innernets. I wasn't looking for a philosophical answer, which would be something ridiculous. I was looking for a scientific answer. It's all brain chemistry. Turns out it's a small mixture of chemicals in the brain that 1. make you sexually attracted to someone, 2. think they're awesome and have no flaws, and 3. think that the relationship itself is awesome and better than any other relationship ever - by a lot. Found me a scientific article to boot! *The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings. According to this, you can fall in love with anyone in 45 minutes. It's just chemicals, guys! I always did say "you could fall in love with anyone, even Hitler, if you were isolated in an intimate space with him long enough."

So basically, love is a chemical reaction! It takes place in the brain and makes you want to bone someone who your brain has tricked you into thinking is awesome. The ultimate "fuck you, brain!" joke can be found here somewhere.

So now that we've established that love is a not-special word we invented to describe what can really only be called a trick of our brain which ultimately compels us to reproduced sexually (as opposed to miraculously) and care for our offspring, surely your illusion of the over-romanticized, over-hyped, bogus money-making concept is dispelled, correct? There's no such thing as Hollywood love, Hallmark love or romantic love. Love is not a force or a power. Gravity is a force. Math is power. It's all nonsense. I had a cat for 15 years. When she died, I got a new one. Guess what, the feelings I had for that cat? I'd call that love.

So what of God's love, if I may impudent (that's right, impudent is a verb now. Get over it.)? God must have the real love right, and we have the fake love. Is that it? Our love is just some bullshit brain juice. It's the fake stuff, no matter how powerful it's effect. If you feel fit to disagree, you must be rocking the extra strength brain juice. Brain juice on steroids (new energy drink - combine with sriracha sauce for maximum effect! Only at wal-mart! Save more, live better.) So is God's love real or is God's love some fakey-ass illusion too? If your response is "no, all love is real," you're a science denier. Science denial is dangerous, fuck you. If your response is "God does have the real love and we do in fact have the fake love," then still fuck you. God is retarded.

We should accept that love is not something special. You are all free! I release you from the matrix. Embrace this truth fully and contently. You now have the knowledge to understand your illusion and stop yourself from any destructive love-driven (brain juice-induced negative) behavior. You can also find comfort and joy in knowing how simple love actually is. I think it's a much more genuine, sensible, and practical way of seeing it. I hope you all use this knowledge to make the world a better place.

*After reading the article I learned that the experiments did not show positive results.

Game Arts in Bullshit

Game Arts is a video game studio in Japan. I wonder if anyone knows anything they've made? Grandia and Lunar. That's basically it. While I've barely seen Grandia because it didn't amuse me, I used to be a big fan of the Lunar series. Lunar is now one of the saddest series of all time. There is literally 3 remakes of the first game, Lunar the Silver Star, for a total of 4 different versions of the same game. That's all they do with it! I have not been anticipating a Lunar 3, but I've heard that it is something they've written down on a yellow sticky note somewhere.

Lunar is perhaps the best case against re-makes. You eventually just keep remaking the same shit over and over with the intention to appeal to some assumed expectations of a presumed, locked-in-till-death fan-base without doing anything of substance or merit. Eventually, they'll remake everything to a point where you're so bored of the last ones that you are already bored of the new one your first time. I call this the Lunar Threshold. To sum up, the 4 versions of Lunar 1 are as follows.

Lunar the Silver Star for the Sega CD
     For it's time, a hell of a game. It had voice acted and animated cut scenes when that sort of thing was impossible. The gameplay was unique, and the story was memorable. It had good music and it was fun. It had a cult following.

Lunar the Silver Star Story: Complete
     It was a bright, more refined version of the original. The gameplay was amped,  the animated and voiced cut scenes were impressive, and the story was expanded on. It was real fun too, and brought in more fans.

Lunar Legend for the Gameboy Advanced
     Obnoxious shonen bullshit for the fans and a sad attempt at cashing in on Lunar via a handheld. RPGs are not for handhelds. Fuck you. The gameplay was slow and boring. This one was probably meant to be cool because it had limit breaks like in Final Fantasy. It was probably a smaller game than the previous version.

Lunar: Silver Star Harmony for the PSP
     I wanted to give this one a fair chance until I saw what kind of bullshit they pulled. Typical anime shonen bullshit: Contrived and fan serviced until it was primed to burst. It's an older game redesigned to have some appeal to a new generation, which is alienating to the original generation who took an interest at the start. I can't say I saw any real effort put into this. It had nothing new that was worth seeing or hearing.

Another problem they  probably didn't foresee is due to the massive number of remakes, the replay value goes down exponentially for every new game! That's kinda funny. I am so tired of replaying Lunar 1 that you're not going to make it playable ever again; Not unless you do something really different like cross another genre.

Another problem is when you have new creators working on something old: do they get it enough to be able to be faithful to the spirit of the original? Star Trek fans might agree.