My Design for a Video Game Controller

My first console was the Sega Genesis and I always wondered why games never used the X, Y, Z buttons. Bullshit, right? Actually, no! Look at this thing, it's actually pretty cool.

Note: This is actually the Saturn controller, but little difference from the Genesis.

6 Buttons on the front. What are you going to do with them all? I don't know! You know what it looks like, right? The same controller Nintendo used in it's next gen controller.

What do you guys think? Appropriation or coincidence? Were all these yellow buttons used that much anyway? I remember they were used in Zelda 64 for different things you could program yourself and it was actually handy. In Smash Bros however, they all did the same thing and were actually excessive. Nintendo also got rid of the Select button. I think I want it back. Oh, and lose the middle handle. That's bullshit.

Now, here's something peculiar.

My poor fucking right thumb!

People at Microsoft must have mutant thumbs. Pretend you're holding a controller right now and move your right thumb across imaginary buttons in a horizontal arrangement like the Genesis or the N64.

It works, doesn't it! Now, try moving your thumb up and down across an imaginary controller shaped like the original XBOX controller. What the fuck! When I was a teenager playing XBOX for the first time, I could not get over this! I feel vindicated that they have since changed it! Their d-pad sucks too. What else? If you try to press start or select with your right thumb, the right toggle is in the way! Can those buttons be any lower on this controller! It's a stretch to get your right thumb to that start button! I still hate everyone who ever defended this thing, argh!

Microsoft redeemed themselves though. I've been told that the new XBOX controllers were ergonomically designed. Here's the XBOX One contoller.

I like this! It looks sleek and comfortable. The Start and Select buttons are in good places, the D-Pad is perfect, but wait, where did the shoulder buttons go? I've never held one of these, so I don't know what it's like. An earlier incarnation of this controller had a shoulder and a trigger button on each side, but I guess that was excessive. If you're going to pick one over the other, I guess the trigger will do.

What's odd about this too me is the X,Y, A, B buttons. Only four? Well, in some ways the right toggle can be another set of 4 buttons. That means this controller technically has not lost any buttons from the PS controller or N64 buttons. Same number, and I guess the Sega controller with 6 buttons means your thumbs have to move around a lot if you have a function for every button. This is conservative and efficient.

So, what kind of controller would I design? This one.

Are Rape Jokes Ok?

So.... Is this a funny rape joke or should I start picketing Rolfe's municipal power plant to deny electricity to his home for his dreadful, dreadful misandry?

 Here are 3 screenshots from James Rolfe's Angry Video Game Nerd Episode 53 Batman (Part 2). There's James Rolfe as Batman and one of his friends, Mike Matei, as the Joker. After a fight scene, Batman subdues Joker and forces 5 video game cartridges up his ass. Each time, it looks like the above, where we see a hand or a pair of hands pretending to push or pound a game into a presented posterior end and then we see the Joker's face twist with pain and he cries "Ooooh!" Also, in that contextual shot 9:06 where the joker is bent over on the couch and Batman declares "I'm going to shove these games up your ass," the Joker is shaking his head very convincingly like he doesn't want to be in this position. If you weren't paying attention, you could miss it.

According to feminist rhetoric, rape jokes are never funny. I haven't been keeping score, but there's a lot of physical humor in AVGN that borderlines sexual slapstick. For instance, how many times has someone been shat on in one of AVGN videos? I'm feeling certain there are more jokes about characters having large cumbersome objects inserted into a body cavity than this. "Up your ass/asshole" is a repeated line in AVGN videos. Also, I'm pretty damn sure the AVGN says the word cunt a lot. Pretty damn sure no one used James Rolfe or AVGN as an example of misogyny or promoting sexism prior to Rolfe's relatively benign and respectful critique of the new Ghost Busters movie trailer. He's been doing this for almost 10 years, guys! I also see no evidence for sexism from AVGN or Rolfe, nor do I see evidence that anyone is walking away from his videos with less respect for people's bodily orifices or gender. Rock on AVGN! Rock on James Rolfe!

I'm going to weigh in on this topic and say humor is subjective and that absolute statements like what's never funny or always funny are incorrect statements and you shouldn't make them. I got a kick out of watching two heterosexual men (as far as I know, not that it matters right?) make light out of punishing evildoers with fudge packing. It's funny because it's absurd, over the top, and impractical even though I don't believe that's how a justice system should work, get it? I do believe comedy that is based on pain is valid and it does make people laugh. I also believe there's nothing wrong with dirty words. We're all adults right? Yeah, and if we're all adults, then why can't we be allowed to determine for ourselves what is funny or not?

Bravely Default is Actually the Greatest Game of All Time

OK, so that feminist popculture critic who shall not be named is full of crap. Brilliant opening statement, Joshua! Thank you, Joshua! You're welcome Joshua, and may I say you're looking especially smart today! Why, thank you Joshua, let's make out. *Slurping and licking noises and such*

If you want to know how video games can be harmful, I recommend using Bravely Default as an example! Bravely Default is an RPG made by the intellectually default Square Enix. I finally gave in and bought it because I was Jonesing hard for a new JRPG style game.

As I was saying, one way videogames can be harmful is this. Let's look at nerds. Has it ever occurred to you that nerds can be kind of socially awkward? Why do you think that is? Let's look at this scene where the lonely, grief-stricken hero Tiz begs one of the main characters, Agnes, to join her on her journey.

 Airy is the fairy, and she explains the plot.

Tiz offers his help.

Agnes tells Tiz to eat her futa dick.

Tiz's poetic replay shows how desperate he is.

I think this is actually the third time Agnes says no.

In case you missed it, Agnes says no again in this shot.

Tiz actually asks repeatedly in this scene and Agnes constantly tells him no. He comes across as pathetic and begging! What a lame hero! "Can I please be a character in this game?" I can't tell, but I'm not sure if this Agnes just has a strong character or if she just doesn't like Tiz because this is a work of fiction written by nerds for nerds. In reality, if someone says go away leave me alone, that means they don't like you and they want you to go away, but because this is an RPG, we see this sort of behavior where one character heroically harasses and stalks another character because they don't respect their intelligence and they think they know better. At this point, Tiz is imposing on her. Period. That's rude, I hope no one thinks of Tiz as a role model. This is why nerds are socially awkward people, they don't learn normal social etiquette.

Agnes is someone who must not know how to say no properly, and she offers to see our hero who has no self-respect back to town where they will part ways, but they don't. Together they go to the item store, the weapon store, the armor store, and then to see the king. This is a strange inconsistency in writing. Finally they go back to the city entrance and she shows some spine. She even criticizes him.

This is getting ridiculous.

Behold, my true form: Not a hero, but a guide!

She straight up tells him to get lost, and he still tries to find any way he can to shoehorn his way into her company.

Closed body language, bro.

Some people just don't know when they've crossed a line. When someone says no, some people seem to become even more persistent. This sort of behavior is not welcomed by most people, not just in situations where someone is trying to pick up on someone else, but in any situation between any people.

Yeah, he's a good person and I have no question of his motives because he's actually a bit one dimensional, but fucken hell, eh? "Look dude, piss off! Why don't you go find your own plot? How about you take your little broadsword and go kill monsters until you have enough gold for some chainmail, and go play hero in a cave somewhere. Maybe you'll find some mopey wizard who writes hack poetry about the burden of being alive in a magically enchanted forest and the two of you can hack and cast your way to level 2 so you can go visit the spooky graveyard where you can envy the dead without bothering people! Arrrgh!"