A Blog Post About the Disney Star Wars Trilogy

If I invited you over to my house for dinner, and I promised to serve you spaghetti and meatballs, but served chicken alfredo instead, how would you feel? Pasta is pasta, right? Eat up! Yum, yum! Or, would you look at me with a furrowed brow and tell me you feel like you were tricked and lied to? I believe that if you're going to promise something, you should do your best to deliver it.

So, Star Wars is a film franchise with the themes of family, faith, and mythology. If someone tells you they're making a Star Wars movie, and the themes are not these, would you feel like you were promised spaghetti and delivered alfredo? In other words, have your expectations been unmet leading to disappointment? For some people, the answer is yes.

Now, what happens if I offer you spaghetti and meatballs, but I actually serve you chicken alfredo, except underneath the chicken alfredo is shepherds pie with pickled beats? Ok, that's a little weird, right? And certainly not what you were expecting. Now, you're disappointed and also confused.

To break it down, Star Wars 7 is spaghetti with meatballs. Star Wars 8 is the chicken alfredo. Star Wars 9 is shepherds pie with pickled beats. I regret that the problem with my food analogy is that I've picked foods that I like to eat. In reality, Star Wars 7 is spaghetti with cucumber spirals instead of noodles and tofu for meatballs. Star Wars 8 is rotten fish. Star Wars 9 is trail mix on top of pizza that's still frozen in the middle. One of these things is not like the other, one of these things does not belong. This trilogy does not have a feeling of consistency or cohesion. It's like the Mona Lisa with pasta and glitter glue. As a result, it's less than what it could have been.

Thank you for patience. Let's talk about the themes in Star Wars 7, 8, and 9.

What is / are the theme(s) of Star Wars episode 7? The movie begins with Poe doing spy-guy things, then Kylo-Ren does villainous things, and then we introduce Finn who does traitor things. Then Poe and Finn crash on a desert planet. Thematically, what do we set up? A sort of a found-family in the making? Cool. I like that.

Then we introduce Rey. She's alone on a desert planet and counting the days. She's unhappy with the world as she finds it. I see where we're going with this, and I'm getting excited! The first real weakness with the theming is that Poe goes missing until one of the final scenes of the film. This right here is the promise of spaghetti and meatballs and the delivering of the cucumber spirals instead of noodles. Darn.

So, let's speed this up. Rey does not have any family. You might say she's desperate for a family. Then she meets Han Solo. She might as well ask, "will you be my daddy?" And Han Solo being a guy with a rough exterior, but a heart of gold takes her under his wing. OK, I love it! What could possibly go wrong?

Skip ahead, and Kylo-Ren kills Han Solo. D'oh! So close!

OK, so the theme of family is still on the table (pun intended, see my food analogy above)! Very, very much so! How do we tie this knot? Well, let's discuss the family. The family in question is the Skywalker family; Or rather, the Skywalker-Solo family! Yes, these families are tied together via the marriage of Han and Leia. Kylo-Ren's real name is Ben Solo. Cool! That means Han, Leia, Luke, and Kylo-Ren are all family. Yippie!

But what about Rey?

Rey was 100% intended to be a Skywalker! I'm not privileged to the behind-the-scenes information, but how could you not piece this together based on episodes 1 through 7? Let's review. Luke Skywalker went missing. Why? Unclear; but if Luke went missing, does it not stand to reason that maybe he also wanted to hide his baby? Gasp! Rey is Luke's daughter? Can it be true? Well, why the @#$%! else would Leia Organa-Solo snub Chewbacca and hug Rey at the end of episode 7, you twit! And why the @#$%! else would Rey be so gifted with the force if she wasn't a descendent of Anakin Skywalker whose midi-chlorian count (bleh, I threw up!) was the highest ever recorded! Duh!

So why was Rey later revealed to be the daughter of a no one in Star Wars 8 and then re-revealed to be a Palpatine in Star Wars 9? That's the rotten fish dish and the half-frozen pizza topped with trail mix that I previously told you about. There really isn't a pay-off to wild changes like this, and it means we need a new reason for why Leia would hug smelly Rey Palpatine.

If Rey is the daughter of Luke, then she would be Kylo-Ren's cousin, and thus, the family theme could be salvaged! Rey's goal would be to save / redeem her cousin like Luke's goal was to save / redeem his father. Insert the clip of the interview with George Lucas talking about the prequels when he says, "it's like poetry, it rhymes." Ta-da! Instead, the way movies 7-9 work out, Rey turns out to be a Palpatine who survives when all Skywalkers and all Solos die, and Rey Palpatine, daughter of the villain of 7 movies, inherits the name and legacy of the heroes. She ends up alone in a desert without Finn and Poe. So, the found family concept is dropped, and Rey ends up as alone as she was at the start of the movies except for force ghosts. She has no kids or family of her own.

Now, let's talk about theme conceptually. What is a theme in a literary context? Well, stories are as much about entertainment as they are about teaching a lesson. The lesson is therefore the substance of your story. The lesson is the theme; the theme is the lesson. In stories, the lesson is communicated to the audience through the hero who must learn the lesson. The value of the lesson is communicated through the hero using that lesson to overcome the conflict (and presumably win or survive or achieve their goal). If the hero fails, it's usually because they didn't learn the lesson. So, if there is no lesson, there is no literary theme, and your story is entertainment with no substance. It's hollow and unfulfilling. It's unsatisfying, like  the 2021 Mortal Combat movie. It's just an excuse to watch people fight and blow stuff up for 90 minutes, and it's lacking the human element.

What lesson did Rey have to learn on-screen in order to achieve her goal? @#$%! if I know.

So, I invite you over for spaghetti and meatballs, but I serve you something else. Is my analogy working? OK, let's change it; what if I promise you spaghetti and meatballs, but it's all tofu and it's chemically altered to taste like spaghetti and meatballs, but it's not very accurate, and it leaves you feeling like something is missing. You're unfulfilled. You just sort of scrunch up your nose and try not to think about what you could have eaten instead. You regret your meal. It was a waste of time. But worse than that, you don't know if you can ever appreciate pasta again. That is the Disney Star War trilogy.

What's Wrong with the 5e Ranger?

First concept: playstyle. There are only three pure playstyles: martial, magic, skill. The quintessential classes are fighter, magic-user (or wizard), and thief (or rogue). Every other class is a hybrid or variation. Paladins, barbarians, and rangers were once variations or subclasses of fighter.

Second concept: specialties. What makes you special is that you can do something that no one else can do. When you take something special about one class and make it available to others, it is no longer a specialty and is trivial. For example, fighters were once the only class who could regularly hit for consistent damage. Now everyone has a way of doing consistent damage such as cantrips. Wilderness survival skills such as tracking were once unique to rangers.

Third concept: niche or identity. What is a ranger? A ranger is a character who defends civilization by fighting the evils that threaten it on the boarders of the wilderness. They are in essence a fighter who has traded heavy armor for wilderness survival skills. This is easily stolen from them by the Survival skill becoming available to other classes and by a lack of emphasis on the exploration phase of the game. A Rogue can put expertise into survival and out survival the ranger.

To summarize, Rangers were once a fighter subclass that is no longer special and they're part of a class roster in a game that underemphasizes exploration which is their brand.

What has modern WotC done for the ranger? Made the ranger a combination martial, magic, skill character, which we have plenty of, with features most players won't use such as nullifying difficult terrain when hexcrawling, or features that aren't as valuable as another feature from another class, like how favored enemy is not as good as sneak attack. Animal companion is not a worthwhile feature imo because why couldn't anyone have an animal companion when bloodhounds and game hawks ought to be a commodity you can buy from a trainer? Hunters mark? Why not just give the ranger bonus damage die on all attacks since they'll be using it constantly, and so it will simplify the Ranger player's turn? Call it a built-in hunter's mark damage die.

To fix the problem, you need to take the ranger's things away from the other classes and give them back to the ranger. It's like giving anyone else unarmored defense, battle rage or an inspiring voice that gives bonuses orcsneak attack. And they have to put in some really good exploration rules and instructions so people understand hexcrawling or point crawling and want to use these rules. I've had 5 GMs now, and none of them understand hexcrawling. They all handwave it. Even Matthew Mercer, celebrity GM, doesn't do hex crawling. Maybe hexcrawling just isn't that fun? Alternatively, make ranger a subclass of fighter or rogue.

Baseball Sucks - Steroids Would Make it Better!

Baseball is boring! The first baseball game I remember was not necessarily the first baseball game I went to. I complained so much about how bored I was that we left in about fifteen minutes. Baseball is probably the easiest sport to learn and to play. Baseball is so lame, the greatest baseball player ever was a fat guy. The only thing you ever hear about baseball is the steroid use, which actually sounds like a beautifully untapped potential for money and entertainment!

Legalize steroid use in baseball! I think I'll start my own baseball league where all players are required to use steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Sleep in an elevation tent too! The bigger, faster, harder, and stronger you are, the more interesting the game. Could you imagine a baseball league where all the players were jacked! I'd watch that! I want to see a sport where all the players are badass! I want to see a sport that demonstrates the full potential of a human being. I want to see what this species can do! I want a league with it's obscene records! Maybe we can even make the diamond bigger to accommodate all the giants and titans running around.

I'd even let them dress however they wanted. Sleeveless? Sure. Tuxedo? Terrific! Banana Hammock? We can print a team logo on that! Nude? No problem! Just as long as you have your number plainly visible. You could even wear a cape or dress like a lucha libre. Sounds good to me. I encourage a team to resemble or parody a super hero team.

Also, you're required to have an nontraditional team name like Killer Bastards, Evil Space Aliens, or Fuzzy Pickled Robots. None of that animals crap. Who the fuck wants to watch The Sharks vs The Polar Bears? Only if it's a real shark and polar bear goddamn you! I want to see Demonic Babies vs Ghost Voyuers!

You know what else? Mixed sexes! As long as you are willing to follow the drug rules and have the skills to make the team, you're in! It's baseball, there's not a whole lot of physical contact. It's all about skill and ability here. Weight Class and Age are bigger factors for an athlete here.

I'd call it the SBL - The Super Baseball League, or something like that.

Final Fantasy Tactics Advances is Awesome, Guys!

One of my favorite RPGs is Final Fantasy Tactics. I love this game, but there's a problem: I've already played it. What I would really like is a proper sequel to this game with the original gameplay, graphics, and tones left intact. What we got is a lazy, boring, dysfunctional POS for kids called Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced. What a stupid title. It reeks.

The original Final Fantasy Tactics did some really good things for RPGs and videogames. It told a great story and provided a lot of fun and challenge. You play as a young noble, Ramza. He's a squire training to become a knight like his father so he can carry on the family legacy of leading the Hokuten, an army of knights, and uphold justice. Ramza never becomes a knight because he becomes disillusioned with society during some of his early experiences of the battlefield and leaves his life behind to become a mercenary. That's when he discovers the dark inner workings of leaders and authorities when he has to protect a princess from being assassinated by some of her enemies while protecting her from others who would exploit her rank and title. He also has to rescue his sister who is abducted by a warlord and expose the church and governments for the corrupt entities that they are. The overall war that takes place during the story is motivated by greed, and both sides are take advantage of the people while being manipulated by someone even higher up.

The game is rated T and it tells a serious story any adult can appreciate. This story has some dark themes to it. At some point, Ramza even becomes a Heretic. There's also a framing device where a narrator, a scholar named Arazlam, begins by telling you about a period in the history of Ivalice, called the Lion War. It's widely believed that a single hero rose from a commoner to a king and ended the war, but that's a lie. Arazlam discovered the real story which was suppressed by the church and shares it with the world to finally give due credit to those who have gone without proper recognition for hundreds of years and put an end to the churches lie.

To me, FFT is a realistic period piece with fantasy elements to it, rather than a fantasy story. It's as if Christopher Nolan directed it. The only complaints I have with this game are minor: Some localization issues and some characters whose roles in the story disappear as soon as they join your party.

The next tactics game we got from Square was bologna. Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced for the gameboy advanced (gba) is garbage. First let's address that it's a gba game and as such it is technically inferior to it's predecessor which was on the PS1. Also unlike it's predecessor, this game has an E rating. This leads us to the biggest problem - the story. FFT had a story worth your time, but FFTA has a story I would hesitate to call OK. There are almost no serious or significant themes. One of the main character's major conflict is her goddamn hair color. True to typical children stories, FFTA aims low. The art complements it's kid-friendly approach. The colors are bright and happy, the character designs are particularly cutesie, the music is light-hearted, and the sound effects almost have a silly or fun quality to them. Also, the fights in this game are presented more like a sport than actual combat.

The story is lame. The plot is our hero and his new friends from school read a final fantasy related book, which comes across as a crude break of the 4th wall. After reading it, one of them wishes the real world was like a final fantasy game and that night it comes true. The next moring, our main character Marche is confused when he wakes up in the middle of an unfamiliar street dressed like video game character, then he accidently calls someone a bad word and gets into a fight. After that, a Moogle (an iconic animal species of FF series) asks Marche to join his new team of adventurers called a "clan." Marche wants to learn more about how he got here and how to go home while occasionally meeting familiar faces.

The game's story is delivered in a strange way. Instead of a linear plot unraveling as you consistently progress, you visit Pubs and look at Job Postings and accept various Jobs for your clan that range from finding herbs to catching a thief and returning his overdue library books. You don't know which job postings will move the story forward and which ones will just give you busywork.

In case you don't care about the bad story, gameplay sucks too. The gameplay has been changed significantly so it hardly resembles the original. In FFT, you could unlock up to 21 classes. This was easy, fun, and rewarding. In FFTA, there are as many classes, but they're not as easily accessible, available, or interesting. For a Final Fantasy first, there are different races: Humans, Moogles, LizardMen(not the sexy kind), BunnyGirls(also not the sexy kind), and the Heffalumps from Winnie the Pooh, except they're dopey looking. Each race has access to certain classes, so if you want to have access to all the classes in the game, you need to have at least one character for every race. You need access to all the classes in order to meet certan requirements for certain job postings. Some classes are nothing special, just a slightly different versions of the same class that belongs to another race. At the end of the day, all this really amounts to a ton of busy work. Better get cracking, asshole!

The busywork in this game is overwhelming and distracts from the main plot so much so, that at the end of the day, the story feels like a poor excuse just to create a game about achieving random accomplishments and busywork. My fury is compounded by how slow paced the battles are in FFTA compared to FFT. The features of each class have also been changed, limited, or nerfed.

Another aspect of this gameplay I hate is the Laws and Judges. Laws are ridiculous rules about what you can and cannot do in a fight, such as "no hitting." There's really a law that says you can't use your attack command! Judges are assholes who enforce these stupid rules. This doesn't make the game any more interesting or challenging to me, it just makes it even more painful. At some point you meet some magical asshole who develops anti-laws and sells them for your left butt cheek. Get this, you use an anti-law to nullify a law you don't like. How the hell do I nullify a law?  This is a vaguely defined, abstract idea. The anti-laws come in the form of playing cards. All you do is wave it and it disappears and changes the law. I can just see myself waving a Playing Card so I can shoplift at Wal-Mart. Even if you're brawling with a group of wild monsters, a judge magically appears to enforce the "no hitting" law. It's bullshit and I hate it.

Something else that bothers me about this Final Fantasy Failure is another failed attempt at character customization. In various FF games they attempt to build in a way for the player to customize their characters to build a dream party to suit their play style. Well it doesn't work because no matter how much emphasis you put on attack power or speed in this game, you won't notice it till late game and by the end, having a powerful fighter doesn't let you KO enemies in one hit and having a very fast character doesn't let you get in extra turns. What you end up with is typical strong yet slow character and a weak but fast character. If I had known that, I would have put more work into creating more well rounded characters so they wouldn't be crippled by having only one strength and many weaknesses.

I didn't finish the game because at some point it really sunk in how worthless this game is. By the middle of the game you discover the real enemy is one of your friends from school. He's the one who made the wish that started the whole mess. When his wish was granted, he became a prince, his father became king and head-judge, and his mom came back to life. The little asshole is so happy to be with his mom again that he's actually forgotten what life was like before he made the wish. Actually, I imagine there's some plot cliche about how he's actually a victim somehow, and the really real villain is manipulating him so he can feed off his joy or take over the world or some shit.

What I really want from Square for the Tactics spinoff franchise is for it to be taken seriously. I want a sequel that is true to the spirit of the original and I don't trust modern day Square Enix to have the ability. FFT falls under the genre StrategyRPG or TacticsRPG. There aren't very many TacticsRPGs out there. FFT wasn't the first TacticsRPG, but it was the best, and the only one I can actually play.