RPG Games: Guns v. Swords

No offense Spoony, but the gun is the stupidest RPG weapon ever and your brain is all clogged up with a sparkling blue buildup of benign nerd rage gunk and rainbow, glittering crazy goo. Love your stuff, btw. The number one rule of RPGs is the hero always uses a sword. If the RPG in question has no swords, it's not an RPG. No exceptions. In fact, if the supposed RPG has no swords, it doesn't technically exist. I know because I watch "Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman."

To reiterate, the gun is a stupid RPG weapon. How is it that my characters who use guns can do more damage because they level up and gain strength points? It doesn't make any sense unless they throw the bullets; probably flick them, in fact. Guns don't improve because you hit the gym. In a fantasy setting with monsters the size of a house, it only sensible to bring a sword the exact size and shape of the front door. Only a complete moron would bring a gun to a giant monster fight. If Luke Skywalker defeated the Rancor with a blaster, you'd shout "Fuck you too, movie!"

If you think about it, Vincent, Irvine, and Sazh, are the worst characters in any RPG ever. They're down right lazy. Even Aeris brought a magic battle staff and jumped in. Vincent just sort of hangs out in the back and even practices his little gun twirl while Sephiroth perversely skewered the poor girl. Irvine is just as bad. He and Sahz like to work on their performance trick shots while the party does actual work. At least Barret was creative enough to invent the cyber gun-arm and he'd even occasionally strap on a giant pair of atomic powered scissors or a chainsaw.

Face it, if you're in a party with people wielding a magic sword, a magic wand, and a magic bow with magic arrows, and you're the git bringing the gun, get the fuck out. A bullet from a gun you can bring to fight a giant monster with armored hide is as useful as a bee sting if the bee has no venom. Your gun better fire poison or turpentine darts if you except to be useful. I'm just saying when it comes to the fantasy setting, any fantasy at all, you can pack heat, but don't bitch to me when the evil wizards and fire breathing dragons nuke your sorry corpse because you put all your skill points into jacking off. Shithead.

Did anyone really bother to understand how the SeeD special forces soldier actually rolls? Your weapon is more like a fancy utility knife in case the sorceress catches you in between casting fuck off spells and summoning teh devil. Seriously, why carry a gun when you can Bolt 3 a guy? Unlike a gun, magic never misses or fails to do max damage. You can even successfully fry a whole group of sharpshooters with a wave of your hand. Only rarely do you encounter foes who eat magic, and that's really what the gunblade is for because those kinds of monsters take hits like small woodland creatures.

Three words: Ammo and Fuck you. U.S. soldiers carry field packs weighting 75lbs - 150lbs. You can't get away with that crap in fantasy. Uh uh. We need as much inventory space for all the piles of gold and treasure, you selfish asshole. Ditch the gun and trunk of ammo and carry your weight, dammit! I'm making a new rule: If we have to forfeit any loot because your stupid ass can't fence, we get your sister. Eat shit.