Movie Review: Star Trek into Darkness

     Has anyone else noticed that all the men in the J.J. Abrams Star Treks are fucking hot as shit, but all the women are at best pretty? There might be 30 or more odd things that stand out to me. Let's start from the beginning. Why doesn't Kirk seem to understand the rule about not interfering with primitive civilizations? Even I get that and I don't even live in the future, much less captain a star ship. "So they saw the ship? Big deal." said Kirk. The key word here is captain. You'd think there would be both moral and practical reasoning for this rule and that it would be made very clear for everyone in star fleet to understand, especially officers. Morality vs pragmatism is otherwise something Jim Kirk is all about in this movie, and I wonder if there's some inconsistency in his thought process for the sake of creating a righteous yet simultaneously rebellious hero.

1. Spock takes a pretty decent fall into a volcano and just happens to land on the only safe spot.
2. Sciencey Ice Bomb can freeze enough magma to prevent a super volcano from wiping out a species.
3. Jim Kirk has a threesome with a real furry. 
4. Spock is a dick to everyone. According to Spock, Vulcans don't lie. This will be contradicted later when Spock lies by omission, by giving Kahn all his torpedoes without mentioning that the crew have been painstakingly removed from of each.
5. Spock is a dick. He files a damning report on his friend and captain to a higher up. Said damning report is damning. What was he thinking?
6. Super intelligent Vulcans don't get sarcasm
7. Vulcans don't know when to shut up either.
8. Pike inexplicably finds Kirk in a bar. Pikes explanation is bullshit.
9. The scenes with the sick child and her family are nice, if not a little abrupt. I wonder why it looks like those parents are actually getting decent sleep.
10. Kirk is the only person who predicts that Kahn will attack the emergency star fleet meeting.
11. When the meeting is attacked, Kirk is the only person who fights back. 
12. The man attacking the meeting doesn't try to shoot the only person fighting back.
13. Kirk destroys a futuristic flying war vehicle with a fire hose after failing to do so with a futuristic laser gun. I wonder how that vehicle handles birds?
14. Star Fleet Admiral sends Kirk out on an unethical search and destroy mission. Is anyone else suspicious of this admiral yet?
15. Kirk and Spock lose their rank and ship for a whole 5 minutes. Who didn't see that coming?
16. Except for giving Kirk his job back, Pikes role and death are otherwise pointless. Revenge stories suck.
17. The engineer and not the captain is responsible for approving the weapons an admiral assigns to a ship?
18. Scotty resigns, but you know he's not going to be out of the movie.
19. Cute, unassuming blonde is mysteriously assigned to the enterprise.
20. Kirk's crew is not informed of their dangerous, highly unethical mission until after take off. Kirk is a dick to his crew.
21. Kirk reassigns the ships navigator to be head engineer. Aren't there other crew members who are full time engineers who would be better choices? This is an obvious decision to give this character a more significant role in this movie.
22. The Enterprise coincidentally has engine trouble. Shouldn't ace space ship engineer Scotty have noticed this long ago while getting the enterprise ready for take off?
23. Most qualified people to captain of the ship leave to go on a dangerous field mission instead of sending more qualified crew.
24. Spock and Uhura wait until they're on a dangerous, unethical mission to talk about their relationship.
25. Spock estimates the likeliness that Kahn will not surrender is 91.6%. Shut up, Spock.
26. Uhura thinks she is a badass diplomat. 
27. Klingons bring swords to a gun fight.
28. Sword wielding Klingons get the upper hand on 2 gun slinging star fleet security personal and 2 gun toting officers.
29. Mysterious gunman magnificently dual wields a rifle and a cannon.
30. Mysterious gunman discards his rifle and cannon to knife fight the Klingon fencers.
31. Kirk can't recognize when he's punching someone much, much tougher than normal humans.
32. Kirk says "cuff him." Did they bring Star Fleet handcuffs on the secret black ops mission?
33. Kirk talks to Kahn in the brig. "Don't listen to him, you can't believe anything he says" cliche.
34. "Prisoner gives cryptic information to the hero" cliche.
35. Only Spock knows that Carol is bogus. Spock doesn't do or say anything about it. How did Carol forge her way onto the enterprise for a classified mission? Is Star Fleet easy to hack?
36. Mysterious new crew member just happens to be related to the villain.
37. Bones is always inexplicably miserable.
38. Space age explosive concealing a living, breathing, presumably innocent person by a black government agency is easily opened and can be disarmed.
39. Space ship captain has a private phone call in the middle of a busy hallway.
40. Scotty goes to Jupiter and easily gains access to a secret, black government spook operation.
41. Kirk has a dangerous, healthy prisoner taken to sick bay.
42. Highly intelligent, highly motivated super soldier does nothing to improve his circumstances by leaving Kirk to figure out for himself that he is horribly doomed.
43. Kirk doesn't inform his crew they are patsies to an evil government administration. Kirk is a dick to his crew. 
44. Carol says her father tells her abou
45. Admiral Marcus unexpectedly arrives in a secret, black, unmarked government spook ship. Doesn't anyone in star fleet take a even casual interest in new star flee ships enough to know this is a very bad thing?
46. Marcus fires on the Enterprise and Kirk doesn't stop him by telling him his daughter on board which could possibly save everyone.
47. Scotty hacks the secret government black spook ship. Spooks suck at being spooks.
48. Marcus swiftly warps his daughter off the enterprise without ordering his goons to do so. How?
49. Scotty is questioned by a goon on the spook ship. Why does the low level spook question an unauthorized intruder during a battle? Worst spook ever.
50. Old Spock inexplicable appears. The reasoning for old Spocks appearance is bullshit.
51. Old Spock has black hair in this movie. Is Old Spocks hair fake? I guess Leonard Nemoy told somebody to go fuck themselves with that hair cut.
52. Old Spock breaks his vow to keep secret future of Spock a secret. This is obviously J.J. struggling to write Spock concluding that Kahn is very dangerous naturally.
53. Kirk, Kahn, and Scotty arrive at the bridge of the black spook ship. The bridge of the black spook ship is actually black.
54. Kirk intends to take the evil, power abusing, war mongering Admiral who exploits and condemns innocent people as a prisoner. Fuck that. Kill him.
55.  Kahn, who is a brutal mass murder, does mysterious debilitating attack to unspecified body part of female character. Go sexual equality, go.
56. Kahn brutally crushes Marcus' skull.
57. The Enterprise starts falling to Earth and no one knows what to do during this emergency except for the 2 people who are currently off the ship.
58. Kahn crashes black spook ship into a city and survives by hiding behind his chair. I guess we were doing it wrong the whole time.
59. Is Star Fleet headquarters in a city or is it the whole city?
60. No one runs from the crashing star ship.
61. No one on Earth notices kamakaze star ship at all? Where's NORAD to monitor the sky and to fire missiles when you need it?
62. Following the city sized crash of a giant star ship, Kahn surviving a 30 meter jump is what impresses the crew of the Enterprise.
63. Kahn puts on a trench coat. Trench coat is obviously there to make Kahn look cool.
64. No one tries to stop a man in a black trench coat being pursued by an armed star fleet science officer after a serious catastrophe.
65. "Fight scene on moving vehicles in traffic" cliche.
66. Spock rips off a piece of an aircraft with his bear hand.
67. Spock takes a beating from a man who survived a 30 meter jump following a city sized star ship crash with no marks.
68. Spock survives a beating from a man who can crush human heads in his bear hands.
69. Spock wins.
70. Spock can clearly hear Uhura on top of a moving vehicle amidst the roar of the wind.
71. Kirks fake-out death is a fake-out.
72. Kirk gives a speech at the rechristening of the enterprise. His poster at the podium is inappropriate for a humble, memorial speech.
73. 
    

more to come.

$1000 Naked Shopping Spree

I just had an idea for a reality game show. Yeah, I know, I'm scum, right? It's a show where we give people $1,000 shopping sprees and make them do the spree naked. There is actually no intellectual value whatsoever, and it's not even real porn. Also, this show might be discriminating against the non-photogeneic, which is sad.

First you get a store.
Second, you get tons of cameras. Low angle shots are fair game.
Third, you get people who are willing to run naked through said store for 10 minutes completely naked on TV or the internet. Make them do a naked interview where you ask them what kind of stuff they might want before their spree. After each spree, there will be some kind of follow up interview where you look at all the stuff they got and ask them about it.

If you've seen the kind of porn that comes out of Japan, you know there's already  a culture where we can totally pull this off. If not, parts of Europe will probably be very OK with it. You know what, 30 minutes of this is probably not stimulating and unsatisfying, so suppose we condense it to 2 minutes and air it for 1 commercial break per program (obviously, this is an idea to implement for a porn themed TV channel). Then offer viewers the the opportunity to watch all our full sprees on the internet.

Or just put the show on the internet. Whateves.

If they finish without spending all the money, the remainder goes to a charity that either the contestant or the shows sponsor picks (ha, we're awesome!). If they go over $1,000, there's a penalty where they have to do a silly 1 minute dance before they're allowed to get dressed and obviously they don't get to keep any of the merchandise they picked after hitting $1,000.

If there's is any redeeming value to this beside being junk food for the brain, we might make a psychological discovery about the differences in purchasing decisions people make when they're clothed and when they're naked and have a thousand dollars of somebody elses money to burn.

Addendum: 2 minutes after original post.
There's already something vaguely similar to this out there and not as good as this idea. 

How I feel about House M.D.

Once upon a time, I really liked this show. One night I was almost mugged, and I had two thoughts on my mind: "Am I gonna get stabbed with a screwdriver?" and "it's gonna start in 5 minutes!"