I don't know why COPPA is a youtuber's responsibility. If I create any video that a child might like and my video settings make it use advertising, I can get fined by the FCC? Not sure how that's my problem if I'm not in charge of the ads or the ad mechanics. Whathever. I have 60 Resident Evil gameplay videos I set to private. Below is a list of things you can do about this COPPA thing and I don't even want to contemplate how this could be some censorial conspiracy to control the internet and control the types of ideas we spread online.
1. Complain to the FCC with well reasoned and respectfully argued points using data and specific real world examples.
2. Leave youtube forever and resume your normal internet video making career on pornhub instead.
If anyone has any other ideas, I'm open to it. Why don't we start our own video uploading platform that can exist without ad revenue? Maybe take a share of each video makers donations and pay pal stuff and sponsorships and fundraising and merchandise peddling only.
The trick is you have to still comply with youtube content guidelines but now you have to make your content less appealing and certainly not kid friendly. I suspect people will just have to invent a new language to get around this like a code or a thieves' cant. Anytime Nintendo's Mario is the subject of the video, you can't say his name or show a picture of him. Instead, you'll have to refer to him by a code name and only use symbols for visual representation, like a chemical symbol Ju (that stands for Jump, Mario is a chemical made from Ju).
So here's a list of other things you can do to keep your videos in the clear.
1. Make boring af thumbnails. Use old timey photos of old timey hats.
2. Put an audio and visual disclaimer "This video is not suitable for anyone under 13" in the first 5 seconds of your video. Do not say "this video is intended for anyone 13 and up." You need to explicitly say "not suitable."
3. Put "Mature Content" in the front of all your titles. Example: "Mature Content - Let's Play Pokemon Sword part 23"
4. Do not use saturated colors. Use a lot of neutral colors or black and
white. Actually, make all your videos in black and white. Actually, just upload the audio only and make sure the video is just
black.
5. Use less art assets and get new art assets that would not be suitable for kids or put all
your assets through a good to garbage filter in photoshop so that
everything looks like crap. This includes sound effects and music. Instead of the theme from Superman,
use death metal instead.
6. Take your shirt off (male) and open your shirt (female). The Youtube community decided long ago that shirtless videos were tacky. Guess what's coming back into style?
7. Allow quality to slip in your videos. Shoot and edit your videos with "poor quality" in mind. Put a book under one of the legs of your tripod. Kids don't want to watch crooked videos probably.
8. Talk like a robot. Be boring. Talk like you're depressed and bored. Use your plainest voice possible. Be monotone and grammatically correct at all times. Present your videos like you're really sad or like your extremely light headed and you may pass out every other sentence. Introduce bad sound mixing and use poor quality microphones.
7. Eat like a slob in your videos. It's not interesting or funny and kids don't want to watch that.
9. Dress in professional attire and get a business hair cut or wear your hair up. Actually, shave your head. Shave your eyebrows too. Don't wear any make up either.
10. Get rid of attractiveness in your backgrounds. Make sure the only thing in your shots is you and a plain white wall. Tack a turd to the wall.
11. Be creepy. Light your videos like a creep. For inspiration, watch horror movies about scary, creepy mother fuckers and imitate the cinematography in your videos. Shoot as much guerrilla style as you can. Imitate creepy characters and try to invoke genuine fear rather than amusement.
12. Talk about cement mixing a lot.
13. Say "I'm God" and tell everyone to kill puppies a lot.
14. Break your own fingers on video. No one wants to see that shit.
15. When streaming games such as Mario Party or Pokemon, obscure the gameplay footage with random bullshit and turn it upside down. Make sure if you appear in the video that you're performing various icky animal husbandry tasks on sick ranch and barn animals.
16. Pick your nose till it bleeds, then shoot the video. Do not clean off your face or attempt to stop the bleeding.
17. Make your video with your back to the camera. Studies show that kids are bored by the back of peoples heads.
18. Write the words "fuck you" across your forehead. Flip the bird a lot.
19. Only film your shins. Nothing below the ankle or above the knee is allowed. Say "the moon landing is a hoax" randomly once per minute.
That's all I have for now. Youtubers are going to have to get really creative and I'm interested in seeing what they do and I hope some of it is as clever as what's on this list. Seriously though, put in a disclaimer, only make your videos in black and white, intentionally skimp on quality and assets or impose poor quality. We got this.
Sunday, November 24, 2019
Monday, November 11, 2019
I Have Joined the Fandom Menace
Good news, everyone! And by everyone, I mean all 0 of my readers. I have joined the Fandom Menace. What's the Fandom Menace? It's the boycott of Disney Star Wars. Why boycott Disney Star Wars? Do some research and you will see things that have been said and done by the creators on the sequel trilogy that might not look harmful, bad, wrong, or immoral, but they're definitely a turnoff and when you hold everything up together it paints an overall bad picture of the state of Disney and Star Wars today. At the very least, the oldest and most dedicated fans of Star Wars, the people who have made Star Wars what it is by giving Lucas Film their money, are not happy with how poorly the new movies have turned out. If you like the new movies, good for you. If you'd be so kind, look up Overlord DVD (Overlord Dicktor Von Doomcock, love the name!) or Nerdrotic or MauLer on Youtube. MauLer has done an amazing in-depth scene-by-scene breakdown of the new Star Wars movies and explains why the writing is simply poor. Overlord DVD and Nerdrotic have shared some details and some insight and some perspective on how well Star Wars is actually doing.
Here's what you need to consider about story telling: Why is your story worth telling? If you say "for funsies," there's nothing wrong with that! However, holy shit, hold my beer! I want someone with passion telling a story that they feel will be enriching to the setting and the characters. The story comes first, the audience comes after. Next, you have to have some writing integrity and you have to be able to evaluate whether you're the guy to take the reigns; I'm not (but I have some ideas!). If you want to contribute to Star Wars, you should really do your research because it's a big universe with a lot of lore. If you don't know what you're doing, you might break something. Have some respect for the canon and let someone with more knowledge of the intellectual property go up to bat. Finally, handle everything else with care by having a goddamn plan. New Star Wars is basically a rough draft. The writers are making it up as they go (Rian Johnson admitted that he rejected JJ's notes). That's a shame. I think a writer who is also a seasoned Star Wars inductee should go through a few versions of their script to ensure quality; are their ideas developed and what matters?
So here's the thing. I'm not mad. I've seen my favorite intellectual properties tarnished. I'm over it, but I love watching the fall out! There's so much schadenfreude! Here's a message to Bob Iger: Bob, you suck. You ruined Star Wars. Yes, you were in charge, you ruined Star Wars. I hope you ask for forgiveness and try your best to make everything right again. I believe it can be done. Please please please for the love of god, only put talented, hardcore Star Wars nerds, people in charge of the next project. Emphasis on the hardcore nerd part. You can't go wrong with Dave Filoni. He's proven himself with his Clone Wars series. You know what? Just think of it like this: The people who are in charge of Star Wars should not be new to Star Wars (cough cough, Rian Johnson JJ Abrams, cough hack) in fact, they should be trained to tell a Star Wars story by the last keeper of the lore, like a master and his protege, and only that chain of master and protege should be in charge; like Dave fucking Filoni. Hire his cowboy hat wearing ass.
Or, you could put Star Wars in the public domain where it probably belongs.
I had some ideas just thinking about the subtitle The Force Awakens. It's a shit subtitle, but whatever. When I think of the Force awakening, I imagine that's a figurative way of saying that the Jedi order is back. The stories really should be about what happens after the original trilogy. Did Luke go on to rebuild the Jedi Order? I would fucking hope so! "And here's how it turned out after 30 years" should be the last line of the iconic text crawl for episode 7. Here's a list of things we haven't seen in the Star Wars universe (to my knowledge, hence, this is why I don't nominate myself to be in charge of Star Wars) that we could explore in episode 7:
Also, Rei is boring. I don't think that because I'm a misogynist or something. I'm not a misogynist, in fact, I like me a good female protagonist! I was watching Sailor Moon when I was 8 till it stopped airing and I read the manga in my early 20s, deal with it. Characters have to have conflict. Conflicts have stakes. What are stakes? That stakes are what is at stake: what you stand to gain if you succeed and lose if you fail. Conflicts affect each characters uniquely. Everyone can be united in their common goal to defeat the villain, but each of them has unique stakes. That's what makes characters unique and interesting. If everyone is literally there for the same reason (cough cough Final Fantasy 8), then the characters are basically interchangeable. So, why does Rei want to stop the First Order and defend the Republic? What's in it for her? She starts out with nothing, she gets swept up in the conflict, she stays for her friends. She has a problem with Kyloh Ren because he's a father figure murdering douche and Kyloh Ren wants her butt. OK, cool. So, where's the weight of this plot falling on Rei? What's the threat? What does she stand to gain for winning that's so important and why do we want it so bad? Is there a boot coming down on her neck that she's unprepared for (that's called tension, suspense, mystery, and complication)? In other words, why is she even here? I want to like Rei, but she's clearly there because the writers wanted a girl character and they don't have the guts to stress test her and put her through her paces. I want see this girl try as hard as she can and fail. I want it to hurt. I want her to learn something and change. I want her to adapt and then I want her to change the rules on her antagonists. Why? Because people like to see underdogs rise to glory. Even Jesus got his ass kicked.
Adversity means nothing unless you have something more important to care about. What does Rei care about? I don't know, but it remind of this anime movie called X. Look it up because it's got some neat concepts and art, but don't watch it because it's boring. In this movie, there's two groups of psychics in conflict for some reason. There's a good side and a bad side. Each side is playing for keeps and they each recruit a high school boy. The good team picks a boy who has no drive and he doesn't understand the plot, but he's special. He's some kind of prophesied chosen one or something. Every good character dies protecting him and it's sad and brutal and he doesn't even care or look like he knows what's going on. Then, after the bad guy actually kills someone the good school boy cares about in the last 30 second of the movie, the hero actually does something and effortlessly kills the major villain then he curls up into a ball and cries. Then the credits roll and you think "that fucking sucked." Rei is slightly more proactive than that.
Here's what you need to consider about story telling: Why is your story worth telling? If you say "for funsies," there's nothing wrong with that! However, holy shit, hold my beer! I want someone with passion telling a story that they feel will be enriching to the setting and the characters. The story comes first, the audience comes after. Next, you have to have some writing integrity and you have to be able to evaluate whether you're the guy to take the reigns; I'm not (but I have some ideas!). If you want to contribute to Star Wars, you should really do your research because it's a big universe with a lot of lore. If you don't know what you're doing, you might break something. Have some respect for the canon and let someone with more knowledge of the intellectual property go up to bat. Finally, handle everything else with care by having a goddamn plan. New Star Wars is basically a rough draft. The writers are making it up as they go (Rian Johnson admitted that he rejected JJ's notes). That's a shame. I think a writer who is also a seasoned Star Wars inductee should go through a few versions of their script to ensure quality; are their ideas developed and what matters?
So here's the thing. I'm not mad. I've seen my favorite intellectual properties tarnished. I'm over it, but I love watching the fall out! There's so much schadenfreude! Here's a message to Bob Iger: Bob, you suck. You ruined Star Wars. Yes, you were in charge, you ruined Star Wars. I hope you ask for forgiveness and try your best to make everything right again. I believe it can be done. Please please please for the love of god, only put talented, hardcore Star Wars nerds, people in charge of the next project. Emphasis on the hardcore nerd part. You can't go wrong with Dave Filoni. He's proven himself with his Clone Wars series. You know what? Just think of it like this: The people who are in charge of Star Wars should not be new to Star Wars (cough cough, Rian Johnson JJ Abrams, cough hack) in fact, they should be trained to tell a Star Wars story by the last keeper of the lore, like a master and his protege, and only that chain of master and protege should be in charge; like Dave fucking Filoni. Hire his cowboy hat wearing ass.
Or, you could put Star Wars in the public domain where it probably belongs.
I had some ideas just thinking about the subtitle The Force Awakens. It's a shit subtitle, but whatever. When I think of the Force awakening, I imagine that's a figurative way of saying that the Jedi order is back. The stories really should be about what happens after the original trilogy. Did Luke go on to rebuild the Jedi Order? I would fucking hope so! "And here's how it turned out after 30 years" should be the last line of the iconic text crawl for episode 7. Here's a list of things we haven't seen in the Star Wars universe (to my knowledge, hence, this is why I don't nominate myself to be in charge of Star Wars) that we could explore in episode 7:
- First and foremost, and most obvious of all, you could tell a story about HOW A JEDI ORDER GETS STARTED!
- Establish a character as a Jedi Knight and tell the story of how the Jedi Knight becomes a Jedi Master. We've seen Padawan's become Knights, but we haven't see how Knights become Masters.
- A Jedi who embraces the grey, middle ground between the light side and the dark side. What is the reception? How does this force user cope and evolve? Is this the redemption story of a dangerous social pariah or the start of something grand and new?
- How Jedi Hunters make a comeback after two generations of no Jedi, or at the very least, how Jedi Hunters even fucking start! Do they see a new opportunity for business and seize it like a boss or do they just some bored badass who wants a new challenge?
- How an exclusively light force user (such as a Jedi) comes to exclusively embrace the dark side. Essentially, tell a story about how a Sith is made when there are no Sith around to make a Sith.
- What kind of work does a Jedi Order in it's infancy do? Do they rescue princesses from dragons in a wilderness? Do they fight ninja thief clans on the boarderlands? Do they fight evil crime lords in a sprawling metropolis? What are some environments we haven't see in Star Wars yet? What if people think the Jedi are a pretentious, useless class?
Also, Rei is boring. I don't think that because I'm a misogynist or something. I'm not a misogynist, in fact, I like me a good female protagonist! I was watching Sailor Moon when I was 8 till it stopped airing and I read the manga in my early 20s, deal with it. Characters have to have conflict. Conflicts have stakes. What are stakes? That stakes are what is at stake: what you stand to gain if you succeed and lose if you fail. Conflicts affect each characters uniquely. Everyone can be united in their common goal to defeat the villain, but each of them has unique stakes. That's what makes characters unique and interesting. If everyone is literally there for the same reason (cough cough Final Fantasy 8), then the characters are basically interchangeable. So, why does Rei want to stop the First Order and defend the Republic? What's in it for her? She starts out with nothing, she gets swept up in the conflict, she stays for her friends. She has a problem with Kyloh Ren because he's a father figure murdering douche and Kyloh Ren wants her butt. OK, cool. So, where's the weight of this plot falling on Rei? What's the threat? What does she stand to gain for winning that's so important and why do we want it so bad? Is there a boot coming down on her neck that she's unprepared for (that's called tension, suspense, mystery, and complication)? In other words, why is she even here? I want to like Rei, but she's clearly there because the writers wanted a girl character and they don't have the guts to stress test her and put her through her paces. I want see this girl try as hard as she can and fail. I want it to hurt. I want her to learn something and change. I want her to adapt and then I want her to change the rules on her antagonists. Why? Because people like to see underdogs rise to glory. Even Jesus got his ass kicked.
Adversity means nothing unless you have something more important to care about. What does Rei care about? I don't know, but it remind of this anime movie called X. Look it up because it's got some neat concepts and art, but don't watch it because it's boring. In this movie, there's two groups of psychics in conflict for some reason. There's a good side and a bad side. Each side is playing for keeps and they each recruit a high school boy. The good team picks a boy who has no drive and he doesn't understand the plot, but he's special. He's some kind of prophesied chosen one or something. Every good character dies protecting him and it's sad and brutal and he doesn't even care or look like he knows what's going on. Then, after the bad guy actually kills someone the good school boy cares about in the last 30 second of the movie, the hero actually does something and effortlessly kills the major villain then he curls up into a ball and cries. Then the credits roll and you think "that fucking sucked." Rei is slightly more proactive than that.
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