COPPA and Youtube

I don't know why COPPA is a youtuber's responsibility. If I create any video that a child might like and my video settings make it use advertising, I can get fined by the FCC? Not sure how that's my problem if I'm not in charge of the ads or the ad mechanics. Whathever. I have 60 Resident Evil gameplay videos I set to private. Below is a list of things you can do about this COPPA thing and I don't even want to contemplate how this could be some censorial conspiracy to control the internet and control the types of ideas we spread online.

1. Complain to the FCC with well reasoned and respectfully argued points using data and specific real world examples.
2. Leave youtube forever and resume your normal internet video making career on pornhub instead.

If anyone has any other ideas, I'm open to it. Why don't we start our own video uploading platform that can exist without ad revenue? Maybe take a share of each video makers donations and pay pal stuff and sponsorships and fundraising and merchandise peddling only.

The trick is you have to still comply with youtube content guidelines but now you have to make your content less appealing and certainly not kid friendly. I suspect people will just have to invent a new language to get around this like a code or a thieves' cant. Anytime Nintendo's Mario is the subject of the video, you can't say his name or show a picture of him. Instead, you'll have to refer to him by a code name and only use symbols for visual representation, like a chemical symbol Ju (that stands for Jump, Mario is a chemical made from Ju).

So here's a list of other things you can do to keep your videos in the clear. 
1. Make boring af thumbnails. Use old timey photos of old timey hats.
2. Put an audio and visual disclaimer "This video is not suitable for anyone under 13" in the first 5 seconds of your video. Do not say "this video is intended for anyone 13 and up." You need to explicitly say "not suitable."
3. Put "Mature Content" in the front of all your titles. Example: "Mature Content - Let's Play Pokemon Sword part 23"
4. Do not use saturated colors. Use a lot of neutral colors or black and white. Actually, make all your videos in black and white. Actually, just upload the audio only and make sure the video is just black.
5. Use less art assets and get new art assets that would not be suitable for kids or put all your assets through a good to garbage filter in photoshop so that everything looks like crap. This includes sound effects and music. Instead of the theme from Superman, use death metal instead.
6. Take your shirt off (male) and open your shirt (female). The Youtube community decided long ago that shirtless videos were tacky. Guess what's coming back into style?
7. Allow quality to slip in your videos. Shoot and edit your videos with "poor quality" in mind. Put a book under one of the legs of your tripod. Kids don't want to watch crooked videos probably.
8. Talk like a robot. Be boring. Talk like you're depressed and bored. Use your plainest voice possible. Be monotone and grammatically correct at all times. Present your videos like you're really sad or like your extremely light headed and you may pass out every other sentence. Introduce bad sound mixing and use poor quality microphones.
7. Eat like a slob in your videos. It's not interesting or funny and kids don't want to watch that.
9. Dress in professional attire and get a business hair cut or wear your hair up. Actually, shave your head. Shave your eyebrows too. Don't wear any make up either.
10. Get rid of attractiveness in your backgrounds. Make sure the only thing in your shots is you and a plain white wall. Tack a turd to the wall.
11. Be creepy. Light your videos like a creep. For inspiration, watch horror movies about scary, creepy mother fuckers and imitate the cinematography in your videos. Shoot as much guerrilla style as you can. Imitate creepy characters and try to invoke genuine fear rather than amusement.
12. Talk about cement mixing a lot.
13. Say "I'm God" and tell everyone to kill puppies a lot.
14. Break your own fingers on video. No one wants to see that shit.
15. When streaming games such as Mario Party or Pokemon, obscure the gameplay footage with random bullshit and turn it upside down. Make sure if you appear in the video that you're performing various icky animal husbandry tasks on sick ranch and barn animals.
16. Pick your nose till it bleeds, then shoot the video. Do not clean off your face or attempt to stop the bleeding.
17. Make your video with your back to the camera. Studies show that kids are bored by the back of peoples heads.
18. Write the words "fuck you" across your forehead. Flip the bird a lot.
19. Only film your shins. Nothing below the ankle or above the knee is allowed. Say "the moon landing is a hoax" randomly once per minute.


That's all I have for now. Youtubers are going to have to get really creative and I'm interested in seeing what they do and I hope some of it is as clever as what's on this list. Seriously though, put in a disclaimer, only make your videos in black and white, intentionally skimp on quality and assets or impose poor quality. We got this.