How is it that some people can make you feel like an asshole for nothing? I've just earned my A.A., and I'll probably sound like a whinny baby, so just read this one with George Carlin's voice in your head. The point of this article is to argue that people are all different, we like to do things differently, and there's nothing wrong with that if it differs from the norm.
I'm not walking in my commencement ceremony? Why not? 'Cause I don't feel like it! Kiss my ass! My feelings are this: It's my choice because it's my special occasion and if you're disappointed, oh well, too bad. So because I'm not walking, my mom says to me in a voice which I recognize as the voice she uses to brake bad news to me that maybe we could go celebrate some other way.
Here's the thing. I hate doing something special because the all mighty calendar says to. Valentines' Day is no more romantic to me than Tuesday and New Years Day is just tomorrow. Celebrating mediocrity feels like patronization to me. I consider earning your A.A. an example of mediocrity and I think walking in a ceremony in a stupid hat and what is essentially a cloak is bullshit. Also, it took me 6 years to earn mine so I'm not about to brag. Buuuuut, if it's your special occasion and you want to celebrate it some way that is meaningful to you, that's fine. I'm happy for you and I'll join in the festivities if they are something I can enjoy. I'm not skydiving or bungee jumping for you, even if you earn a doctrine.
OK, maybe if you earn a doctrine. And you're my sugar-mama.
So I told my mom I'm not interested and she seemed genuinely sad. Now I feel lousy. But here are the traditional options in my family: Agree to do something you HATE and be miserable the whole time or opt out and be made to feel guilty for your legitimate decision. If you love me, why would you ask me to do something that makes me miserable? What's wrong with you! I swear on everything sacred, I'd give these people half my liver, but I will not spend a whole goddamn day at a crowded fair in the middle of summer.
So here's the deal. We all like to celebrate in our own way. Some people blow a couple hundred bucks on drinks at a bar with some close friends. The way I see it, I just took six years to earn a two year degree, this calls for a nap.
By the way, I just earned my Associates. Whoopy.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Pokemon Sucks
I used to like playing Pokemon and it's still a good game, but it's not getting any better. It's stale. You are very much doing the same thing over and over again. When you pick up a new pokemon game, it feels like you haven't put down the last one. The next Pokemon game is always the same except you, your rival, and your world renowned scientist sponsor look different. They got around to changing the name of the villainous organization from Team Rocket to Team Butt-Crack. Nintendo or the creative team behind Pokemon needs to do something different besides adding new functions of gameplay. Here's an idea of mine I'll let you have provided you credit me.
Here We Go:
The new region has been conquered by Team Butt-Crack. Pokemon training is outlawed and has gone underground. Your hero wants to become a trainer none-the-less, as many young, spirited people do. A new Pokemon League Challenge exists as the Underground Pokemon Circuits. You won't be able to get in unless you can earn trust of a member of the circuit who can vouch for you. There's no longer a PokeCenter, PokeMart, or Gym. Now, each town has a building or an area with a secret back room or underground or etc where the kludge pokemon medical facility is located, the pokemon item black market, as well as being the place where trainers meet to exchange news and battle each other. Instead of collecting badges from gym leaders, at each of these town's secret pokemon place, you battle against local trainers for small objects which are treated much the same as badges, but are actually random objects easily taken for junk by the Butt-Crack members who police every town and route such as a key chain, a bottle cap, or a shoe lace with a zelda/mario/megaman aglet.
Be careful where you get into battles with wild pokemon, because if you're seen battling by members of team butt-crack, you get arrested and have to bride them with half your money. There are some places where members of Team Butt-Crack don't go, such as "dungeons" and small secret areas off of various routes where you can search for wild pokemon or battle other trainers in peace. In some cases, you can pay people to distract Team Butt-Crack members so you can battle. The object of the game is to eventually take down Team Butt-Crack. As you win in the underground pokemon circuits, you gain a reputation and the greater your reputation, the more interesting you become to the secret pokemon rebellion. After they recruit you, you begin some small missions where you might rescue captured pokemon or deliver messages to arrested trainers. Eventually, you're laying siege to Team Butt-Crack strongholds and offices with some other prevalent members of the resistance. You'll eventually liberate the whole region one town at a time. After finally defeating Team Butt-Crack, you win. In the epilogue, you are a popular hero and you're free to pursue the real pokemone league challenge by revisiting the towns and taking on the newly revived pokemon gyms. Then it's off to Victory Road and Indigo Plateau to become the Pokemon Master. Why not?
Now that's a pokemon game I would play. Seriously, new story.
Here's another reason why Pokemon games sucks: All the new pokemon they can come up with are stupid and stupid looking. If you look at pokemon stats or move lists, most new pokemon suck outright. If you want the best team, it's a matter of getting pokemon with good moves that match their types and suit their stats. I believe everyone who chose Treeko knows what I'm talking about. He's a grass pokemon with high Special. That's a problem because he only gets moves that do damage with the attack stat. The pokemon is completely useless late game. There's a huge lack of strong grass type moves that do damage with the special stat anyway and they're crippled with small PP amounts or they take two turns. Also, this pokemon doesn't learn any grass type moves that damage with the attack stat, and can't be taught any of them either not that there are any. He's garbage, and that problem is not unique to this one pokemon. Lots of pokemon are all goofed up like this. How hard is it to make a pokemon that isn't broken? Everyone knows grass type pokemon all suck anyway, but you pick Treeko as your starter because it's the only one that isn't ugly.
Here We Go:
The new region has been conquered by Team Butt-Crack. Pokemon training is outlawed and has gone underground. Your hero wants to become a trainer none-the-less, as many young, spirited people do. A new Pokemon League Challenge exists as the Underground Pokemon Circuits. You won't be able to get in unless you can earn trust of a member of the circuit who can vouch for you. There's no longer a PokeCenter, PokeMart, or Gym. Now, each town has a building or an area with a secret back room or underground or etc where the kludge pokemon medical facility is located, the pokemon item black market, as well as being the place where trainers meet to exchange news and battle each other. Instead of collecting badges from gym leaders, at each of these town's secret pokemon place, you battle against local trainers for small objects which are treated much the same as badges, but are actually random objects easily taken for junk by the Butt-Crack members who police every town and route such as a key chain, a bottle cap, or a shoe lace with a zelda/mario/megaman aglet.
Be careful where you get into battles with wild pokemon, because if you're seen battling by members of team butt-crack, you get arrested and have to bride them with half your money. There are some places where members of Team Butt-Crack don't go, such as "dungeons" and small secret areas off of various routes where you can search for wild pokemon or battle other trainers in peace. In some cases, you can pay people to distract Team Butt-Crack members so you can battle. The object of the game is to eventually take down Team Butt-Crack. As you win in the underground pokemon circuits, you gain a reputation and the greater your reputation, the more interesting you become to the secret pokemon rebellion. After they recruit you, you begin some small missions where you might rescue captured pokemon or deliver messages to arrested trainers. Eventually, you're laying siege to Team Butt-Crack strongholds and offices with some other prevalent members of the resistance. You'll eventually liberate the whole region one town at a time. After finally defeating Team Butt-Crack, you win. In the epilogue, you are a popular hero and you're free to pursue the real pokemone league challenge by revisiting the towns and taking on the newly revived pokemon gyms. Then it's off to Victory Road and Indigo Plateau to become the Pokemon Master. Why not?
Now that's a pokemon game I would play. Seriously, new story.
Here's another reason why Pokemon games sucks: All the new pokemon they can come up with are stupid and stupid looking. If you look at pokemon stats or move lists, most new pokemon suck outright. If you want the best team, it's a matter of getting pokemon with good moves that match their types and suit their stats. I believe everyone who chose Treeko knows what I'm talking about. He's a grass pokemon with high Special. That's a problem because he only gets moves that do damage with the attack stat. The pokemon is completely useless late game. There's a huge lack of strong grass type moves that do damage with the special stat anyway and they're crippled with small PP amounts or they take two turns. Also, this pokemon doesn't learn any grass type moves that damage with the attack stat, and can't be taught any of them either not that there are any. He's garbage, and that problem is not unique to this one pokemon. Lots of pokemon are all goofed up like this. How hard is it to make a pokemon that isn't broken? Everyone knows grass type pokemon all suck anyway, but you pick Treeko as your starter because it's the only one that isn't ugly.
Let's talk about handheld gaming systems. Stupid fucking idea. The point of the handheld is portability, right? No one games(verb) on-the-go. There are no good games to be played on the go. No one wants to make games for handhelds. And who is the intended consumer of this POS? Children? Children have no money of their own. Plus, most parents would rather have their child exercising if they're playing outside. Also, electronic devices are not allowed in schools. So when and where are children going to play their handhelds?
Adults won't play handhelds either. Why? Just ask yourself: would you feel comfortable playing a gaming device in public? Probly not. You'll look immature and repel all potential friends or romantic interests.
My favorite handheld POS is the Nintendo DS. Apparently Nintento become ashamed of the iconic brand of their former handheld machine. Gameboy. Game. Boy. Sounds like a toy; a toy for boys, and not for girls, women, or men. Nintendo DS however, sounds just like iPod. Speaking of iPods, Apple, your screens crack like an ass! Go to japan and get some screens from nintendo cause the DS screens last longer than the first month! Now, I love how the DS has 2 screens and I love how they're arranged vertically because so are our eyes. Quick question for you, reader: Do you think Nintendo actually expects you to play games with a stick? The answer is no. Nintendo has a fetish for innovation, and they don't care how stupid. Actually, a stick sounds like the opposite of innovation. This DS bullcrap was just a gimmick.
You know what I liked about the gameboy was that you could get an accessory for your SNES called Super Gameboy. It was a snes cart with a slot for gameboy paks. Good god, look at all those terms. This was an awesome idea because it meant that when you got tired of staring at a bullshit screen that was small and dark, shifting back and forth from one uncomfortable position to another, and going through a new set of batteries ever 20 hours or so, you could say fuck it and play your favorite on-the-go games at home ON YOUR TV. This was an awesome idea: At home games you could play on the go. You never have to stop! But I guess Nintento feared this somewhat undermined the gameboy, because if everyone had a super gameboy, they wouldn't touch a gameboy ever again. And what would be the purpose of the gameboy?
And that's why Super Gameboy carts were always impossible to find.
But seriously, the best innovation Nintendo ever had was integrating portable and home gaming. If you could connect a portable gaming device to a tv, you would never use it otherwise and gaming companies know that. That's the genius behind the dual screens. Your tv has only one screen. If you could play your DS games on a TV, that undermines the gimmick, you see.
Now let's talk about the other flaw of portable gaming. Portable gaming is for pokemon. If you have a DS, you have pokemon. Pokemon is a game series with it's own gimmick: trading. You have to have the link cable accessory to connect two gameboys, you see. Trading pokemon with your friends is the only way to complete the game.
WELL I DIDN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS WHO PLAYED POKEMON, ASSHOLES! MY FRIENDS WEREN'T NERDS! I certainly wouldn't have nerd friends today, NOW THAT I'M AN ADULT.
Anyway, this concept of link cables is obsolete. With online gaming, you don't need pricy accessories or friends! So go fuck yourself, Nintendo. Handheld gaming sucks.
Adults won't play handhelds either. Why? Just ask yourself: would you feel comfortable playing a gaming device in public? Probly not. You'll look immature and repel all potential friends or romantic interests.
My favorite handheld POS is the Nintendo DS. Apparently Nintento become ashamed of the iconic brand of their former handheld machine. Gameboy. Game. Boy. Sounds like a toy; a toy for boys, and not for girls, women, or men. Nintendo DS however, sounds just like iPod. Speaking of iPods, Apple, your screens crack like an ass! Go to japan and get some screens from nintendo cause the DS screens last longer than the first month! Now, I love how the DS has 2 screens and I love how they're arranged vertically because so are our eyes. Quick question for you, reader: Do you think Nintendo actually expects you to play games with a stick? The answer is no. Nintendo has a fetish for innovation, and they don't care how stupid. Actually, a stick sounds like the opposite of innovation. This DS bullcrap was just a gimmick.
You know what I liked about the gameboy was that you could get an accessory for your SNES called Super Gameboy. It was a snes cart with a slot for gameboy paks. Good god, look at all those terms. This was an awesome idea because it meant that when you got tired of staring at a bullshit screen that was small and dark, shifting back and forth from one uncomfortable position to another, and going through a new set of batteries ever 20 hours or so, you could say fuck it and play your favorite on-the-go games at home ON YOUR TV. This was an awesome idea: At home games you could play on the go. You never have to stop! But I guess Nintento feared this somewhat undermined the gameboy, because if everyone had a super gameboy, they wouldn't touch a gameboy ever again. And what would be the purpose of the gameboy?
And that's why Super Gameboy carts were always impossible to find.
But seriously, the best innovation Nintendo ever had was integrating portable and home gaming. If you could connect a portable gaming device to a tv, you would never use it otherwise and gaming companies know that. That's the genius behind the dual screens. Your tv has only one screen. If you could play your DS games on a TV, that undermines the gimmick, you see.
Now let's talk about the other flaw of portable gaming. Portable gaming is for pokemon. If you have a DS, you have pokemon. Pokemon is a game series with it's own gimmick: trading. You have to have the link cable accessory to connect two gameboys, you see. Trading pokemon with your friends is the only way to complete the game.
WELL I DIDN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS WHO PLAYED POKEMON, ASSHOLES! MY FRIENDS WEREN'T NERDS! I certainly wouldn't have nerd friends today, NOW THAT I'M AN ADULT.
Anyway, this concept of link cables is obsolete. With online gaming, you don't need pricy accessories or friends! So go fuck yourself, Nintendo. Handheld gaming sucks.
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