Why I'm Not an Asshole

How is it that some people can make you feel like an asshole for nothing? I've just earned my A.A., and I'll probably sound like a whinny baby, so just read this one with George Carlin's voice in your head. The point of this article is to argue that people are all different, we like to do things differently, and there's nothing wrong with that if it differs from the norm.

I'm not walking in my commencement ceremony? Why not? 'Cause I don't feel like it! Kiss my ass! My feelings are this: It's my choice because it's my special occasion and if you're disappointed, oh well, too bad. So because I'm not walking, my mom says to me in a voice which I recognize as the voice she uses to brake bad news to me that maybe we could go celebrate some other way.

Here's the thing. I hate doing something special because the all mighty calendar says to. Valentines' Day is no more romantic to me than Tuesday and New Years Day is just tomorrow. Celebrating mediocrity feels like patronization to me. I consider earning your A.A. an example of mediocrity and I think walking in a ceremony in a stupid hat and what is essentially a cloak is bullshit. Also, it took me 6 years to earn mine so I'm not about to brag.  Buuuuut, if it's your special occasion and you want to celebrate it some way that is meaningful to you, that's fine. I'm happy for you and I'll join in the festivities if they are something I can enjoy. I'm not skydiving or bungee jumping  for you, even if you earn a doctrine.

OK, maybe if you earn a doctrine. And you're my sugar-mama.

So I told my mom I'm not interested and she seemed genuinely sad. Now I feel lousy. But here are the traditional options in my family: Agree to do something you HATE and be miserable the whole time or opt out and be made to feel guilty  for your legitimate decision. If you love me, why would you ask me to do something that makes me miserable? What's wrong with you! I swear on everything sacred, I'd give these people half my liver, but I will not spend a whole goddamn day at a crowded fair in the middle of summer.

So here's the deal. We all like to celebrate in our own way. Some people blow a couple hundred bucks on drinks at a bar with some close friends. The way I see it, I just took six years to earn a two year degree, this calls for a nap.

By the way, I just earned my Associates. Whoopy.