D.K. Rised Sucked!
I was disappointed by this movie. Was it a bad movie? No. Was it a bad Batman movie? Maybe. Probably, the reasons why I am unhappy with Dark Knight Rises are going to be unique to me. I loved Dark Knight, but I didn't like Batman Begins. My complaints aren't complaints about the movie as a piece of cinema so much as complaints about the ideas that went into it.
Let's start out from the beginning. As expected for modern story telling, we open with an exciting action scene. Some CIA guy is transporting prisoners. I got the impression he was a sloppy CIA guy too, btw. Why? Cause CIA guy is looking for Baine, and doesn't even know he already has him! Just sloppy. I wasn't interested in the stunts or special effects here. I wasn't particularly pleased to hear Baine's voie, but it was a good introduction for him. Moving on.
We cut to the front lawn of Wayne manor where we establish that this movies takes place 8 years after the last movie, and that Bruce Wayne or Batman have not been seen since. I didn't like this one bit. What emo ass excuse does the mother have for not kicking ass for 8 years!? Jim Gordon is also present, and he's here to give a speech. The content of which addresses his feelings about Harvey Dent's death and lying about it for 8 years. Basically, he's not happy about it. But not because he's guilty about lying, but because in retrospect, he feels Harvey Dent was some kind of maniac now.
So far, I feel like the ending to the greatest movie ever made has been contradicted and/or betrayed in the beginning of it's sequel. Remember when you saw the ending to Dark Knight? How awesome was it to hear Jim explaining to his son "He's run and we'll chase him cause he can take it. He's the hero this city needs, but not the derp we herp" or something like that. It was cool. I had hoped that this would establish the rhythm for Batman's and Gordan's immediate future. Where Batman routinely battles the police while trying to clean up Gotham. I even noticed that they hid young Barbara Gordan's face so they could cast her later!
How disappointing that Jim's wife would take the kids and go. I can believe that she wouldn't understand the situation. Jim put her through a lot in the last movie, now he wants her to pretend the man who tried to kill her children was some kind of hero? I hadn't thought about that. I don't think the movie Dark Knight even prompted us to think about it, so it's a bad shock to see that Jim Gordan did not get a happily ever after.
Speaking of happily ever after, what's Bruce been up to for 8 years? Well apparently, he's so pitiful that the staff of the Wayne manor thinks that the mansion is fucking haunted by a ghost. In 8 years, the only human contact Bruce has had is Alfred. Also, Bruce is a cripple now. It's sad and not at all what I had in mind for Batman after defeating the Joker and saving Gotham. I just figured there would always be an element of crime or evil, and like Ahab and the white whale, Bruce would spend every waking moment hunting the son of a bitch down - because that's how Batman rolls, dammit!
So far, our heroes from the first movie are sad, sorry sacks of pitiful crap and we're not 20 minutes in! GODDAMNIT!
You know what else? I don't like how we jumped ahead 8 whole years either. It's jarring.
I'm going to talk about Robin now. Yeah, Robin is in this movie, and I saw it coming a mile away. They introduce this cop, right. I don't know who he is, but he's got lines! Good ones! This guy has a lot of screen time. He's doing cool shit. HE FIGURED OUT BRUCE WAYNE IS BATMAN! That's like, an honor or something. Not even Jim Gordan could put it together on his own. So this cop gives his name, but I didn't hear it, because I was used to missing pieces of dialogue by now because *Baine talks sucks. I didn't figure he said his name was Dick Grayson, but I didn't rule it out. What made me think this guy was Robin was when he went to Batman's house, demanded 5 minutes with Wayne, and told him get his shit straight. Yeah, he figured out Batman's secret identity and gave him lecture with balls! That's just not done, sir! Nobody talks to Batman like that. Batman will fuck your shit up. This guy is either Robin or he's going to die at the end of the movie. This is the scene when I called it; the scene with the yellow cactus.
*I'm Lazy.
You know what? I liked this Robin a lot more than this Batman. What does that say about me and this movie?
Here are some other complaints I have, just for fun. Enjoy:
How could no one figure out a connection between Bruce Wayne and Batman. Did you see Batman's wheels? HE DRIVES A TANK THAT CAN JUMP! If you think a, and this might be in bad taste but, if you think a guy who shoots up a movie theater could make national news, then I think a jumping black tank being driven by a man in a cape would also make national news. You'd think someone in the military would connect the dots. "You know what? Wayne Enterprises tried to sell us a jumping tank. How the hell did this guy get one?" In America, at this point in history, THE CIA WOULD BE ALL OVER THAT SHIT! You'd at least think Batman is funded by money on account of his **ride.
**His Bat Tank.
And you remember the scene with Robin and the veteran police officer driving in the tunnel and the lights go out, and the old cop knew that meant Batman is here? Yeah, because apparently Batman has the light switch to the city, and the cops know that whenever the lights go out for just a second, Batman's here! I loved that scene, but goddamn, Batman has control over the city's power and no one cares? LMAO!
And remember Bruce Wayne's first public sighting in 8 years? This guy get's more attention than Brittany Spears. Bruce Wayne rolls up on some shindig and the paparazzi go apeshit. Coincidentally, all the cameras for 50 feet simultaneously malfunction for no reason because BRUCE WAYNE IS A FUCKING WIZARD!
I liked many parts of this movie. I wanted to like many more parts. I enjoyed myself, anyway. Interestingly enough, I liked the new Spider-Man Movie more than this. My favorite thing about this movie was that epic chanting music. I guess you could say this was the Batman movie I deserved, but not the Batman movie I needed.
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