So I started watching the NFL recently. I have some suggestions to improve the game, but let's not present them in an ordinary way. Let's present my ideas like this: If I were to make a sports video game, I would...
No Real Teams
Let's face it, real teams aren't special. Instead, the game comes with a league full of random ass teams, like the New York Cheese Men, the Tokio Saiyajin Mechs, Sacramento Zombies, Chesterville Door Installers, Maryston Baristas, Bear Town Tubas, or the Moon Lunarians. Whatever. A bunch of zany, random ass fucking teams. Each team has a few main names and numbers, and a kookie, cartoonish coach, but most of the players on every team will be randomly generated so you don't have the same experience every time. Each team will also have very silly, whacky mascots too.
Custom Teams
I feel like one of the best parts of any videogame is the creator character. How about a creator team? You can pick the colors, you can pick the city or invent a place, like Kekistan, you name the team, and you can invent your own mascot and coach. Imagine creating a coach who looked like Michael Jackson, Donald Trump, Neil DeGrase Tyson or Brittany Spears, It's all cool. You can even create your own players or randomly generate ones. You can even customize a popularity rating for your team, so where ever you go, people can be predictably bored, angry, or excited by your team. Some people will even worship your time, like it's a genuine religion.
Story Mode
When you start a season mode, you can choose to set one of your characters as a protagonist for the game to focus on, and you can say make them a rookie or a veteran starting their final season. There will be cutscenes where the protagonist wakes up the morning of the first game for the season in the parking lot because s/he's broke and can't afford a home. There will be other cut scenes that will be different depending on how well or how poor you do. One cutscene after the first game, one more for the start and end of the half season game, and another two for the start and end of the final game in your season, etc. There can even be press conference scenes where you can make good or bad comments to the press about whatever
Zany Showboating
Whenever someone scores a touchdown, there will be zany showboating, ranging from bad dance moves, to reenacting famous movie scenes or historical scenes, to impressive mass choreography with music. All these scenes should be skippable. Specific ideas: Donuts in an invisible car, loop-de-loops with a jetpack, running into the locker room and returning on a parade float with a rock band shooting off fireworks, ballet, pretending to ride on a bus, pretending to order and purchase a coffee at an imaginary coffee shop.
Injuries
Injuries are bad, but let's have a go at some non-triggering ones. In the options menu, there would be an option to turn injuries on or off. When turned on, there is a random injury generator for every play for every game. Most of the time, it will result with no injury, but sometimes it will give you an injury that will tell you how long a player will be benched. The injuries will all be odd, too. Tummy Ache, 1 quarter. Broken Heart, 1 game. Bifurcated butt, 2 games. Loss of sense of spacial awareness, 1 game. Reversed digestional tract, 2 games. Bad taste in movies, 3 games. Allergy to water, 1 game. Also, Food Poisoning, Case of the Mondays, and end of the month blues.
Exhibition Games
If you play an exhibition game, the opponents should be fucking stacked, like the Harlem Globetrotters. I'm thinking we'll just call them the American Football Team. Everyone will have max stats and be 6'7" to 7'1" and look jacked as fuck. This is a team that is supposed to be undefeatable on paper, but if you're really skilled and your players are tough, you can win with some luck. If you win, your team gets a really cool trophy and the outfits get a gold stripe somewhere. This is just a bit of a tribute to the USA.
Kookie Game Play
Now throw in some cartoon physics, random Smash Bros.-esq weapons and powerups. I want to see mutagen from ninja turtles, bombs, flasks of smoking potion, etc. Add some field hazards, like spiked floors, firewalls, ice patches, bullshit weather like baseball sized hail, lightning bolts, and cyclones! If a player is having a a really successful game or season, they can have a hot streek going, meaning they're always on fire like a dragonball z character and their stats go up 120%. This bonus can be lost because of a bad play or loss.
Referees
The referees in this game will look like evil, cartoonist villains. Sometimes they'll have Hitler mustaches or a curly devil goatee. Some will have bad posture and be wringing their hands a lot. Some of them will have scars, chains, ruined, tattered clothes like they came from hell, hoods with no faces like the Ghost of Christmas Past, etc. There will also be a one that looks like an evil judge. I don't think there's ever been an evil judge archetype, but let's see if we can make a genuinely scary judge character to earn some hate.
Fans
Let's insert some funny fans with crazy ways of expressing their fandom too. What's the craziest fan antics you can think of? Body paint? Streaking? Cleaver signs? How about a sharpshooter who never hits anything? How about a fan who parked his car in the bleachers? How about a fan who carved a larger than life marble statue and brought it to the game? There could be fans having surgery performed in their seat because they couldn't miss the home game? Tailgaters could be present with hot air balloons and 30' stilts. How about if Where's Waldo was somewhere in the stadium for every game? I say we also throw Santa Clause in there for good measure.
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I like it. Now, someone make it.
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