"When I was a kid..." Words I often think to myself whenever a situation becomes too difficult or awkward. When I was a kid, that is to say, when I was innocent, the world was an great place. When I reached the age of reason, I became unhappy with the world which I was beginning to question, and the time in between the age of innocence and the age of reason is forgotten.
1. Denial
I haven't forgotten the first time I experienced anxiety. It was at the start of puberty. I just wished it would go away. For several years, I no longer enjoyed anything. I felt sick in my stomach and I just wanted to sleep all the time. My mom told me I needed to distract myself and the pain wouldn't bother me, even go away. Her advice worked, but those commercials asking for money for starving kids in poor countries always killed me. Also, I think this is when I started getting fat.
2. Anger
I haven't forgotten the angst of my teen years either. I used to hate my peers because they were so stupid to me. I was even bitter for about 6 months in my senior year of high school. I couldn't stand the routine, the work, and I hated the attitude people had for it. A particular example of the attitude I mean is when teachers promise "This project will be fun." I'd think, "go fuck yourself."
3. Bargaining
As an atheist, I don't think I ever bargained for anything, but I'm sure I wasted a lot of time hoping for good things happen on their own a lot.
4. Depression
I remember turning 19 or 20 and suddenly being hit with the realization that I was an adult now. I was doing my thing when suddenly I felt old! Sometime when I was 21 I had another realization that I was completely free of my angst and I had become a different person since high school. I took some solace.
Finally, I had a health scare. I went to the emergency room 3 times when I was 22 for non-existent heart or breathing problems and I'm not a hypochondriac. Anxiety from stress caused me to have high blood pressure and shortness of breath that seemed to persist for at least 8 months. My medical doctor probably couldn't tell me outright, and it retrospect I think I can see that he was hinting at it strongly, but I had some stress that I wasn't aware of.
5. Acceptance
I finally realized that my species has a sense of entitlement. We think we're fucking special. I heard a goth perspective that anger is the emotion of rejection but sadness is the emotion of acceptance. I was at times indignant about life's indifference, but now I am happy with it; I no longer believe humanity is fucking special.
Anyway, I think all people experience the 5 stages of grief over the loss of their innocence. Its different for everyone and some people probably live full lives without ever getting to stage 5, trying to hold onto that innocence.
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