Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Movie Review: The Santa Clause

    I remember being a kid and really liking this movie. If you think about it, the premise is a bit dark though. Santa Claus dies right in front of Tim Allen and his kid, and no one gives a shit. In fact, no one gives a shit ever in the whole movie that A MAN DIED. Not even the elves give a shit. The son cares for like 2 seconds, but he seems more excited than sad or mad or confused. Then he starts going through the man's personal belongings. Is that grave robbing? Is that violating the man's right to privacy? How about calling for help, shitheads! A man fell off your fucking two-story house!
    Like I said, NO ONE CARES in this movie that a man died. Tim Allen and his kid go to the North Pole where none of the elves give a shit. Most of them are fucking excited about it, like getting a new puppy. The head elf is pissed off that he has to train somebody new, though. NO ONE CARES! They should have asked Tim Burton to direct this movie so they could have someone scratch a tally mark into the Santa Wall. It's not explicitly said, but I guess the elves are just used to losing endeared Santas. How the fuck does SANTA CLAUS die anyway?
    Now, in the third movie, Tim Allen must find a wife or else the magic of Santa wears off. So I now have some questions that were also neglected by the first movie. Did the Santa who died in movie 1 have a wife or was he a new Santa, too? A Mrs. Claus is a part of the Santa Claus mythology. What happened to her? Does she die automatically just because shit befalls her husrband? That's a raw deal.
    So Tim sleeps in Santa's bed. Is that a clean bed, because I assume that it's the regularly used bed of a married couple who fuck. What, Santa DOESN'T fuck? Everybody fucks. Get over it. My concern is that Tim is sleeping in an unwashed bed that two people have sex in. I think that's gross.
    Those are the two biggest flaws in the movie that I can recall. I also recall no one taking him very seriously when his hair turns white in a month and he puts on a 100lbs. I mean, 100lbs in one month and naturally white hair in your 30s? And No one cares! They ask, but they just assume he's going crazy. It's a ridiculous idea which sets up the escalating conflict in the movie. They just assume the man is going insane with delusions that he is Santa Claus. Fuck.
    So finally, Tim saves Christmas and FINALLY proves he's the real deal when he FINALLY shows people magic shit. Why didn't you show them your magic before? That situation was getting ugly, fast. Are you a dumbass? You need to play shit closer to the vest or show your magic. And those elves - the elves didn't help him with this? Was there no training? And the elves are completely agitated by Tim's concerns. "What? You didn't think you'd get old and fat overnight!? Stop wasting my time! Goddamn asshole!" They establish that the elves think Christmas is extremely important, so important that the slightest bad joke that Christmas is cancelled and the entire workshop gasps in unison and waits in painful silence to be shot. These people didn't even call the guy and let him know what to expect and not to worry! ARRGH!
    So, in conclusion, no one values life, no one questions sudden extreme weight gain and aging and are even inclined to indignantly dismiss it as insanity, Mrs. Claus is bullshit, and the elves are basically crazy.

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