Gamefaqs Sucks

Before I was gaming, there was only Nintendo Power and what the other kids knew. When the internets were invented, a wizard created Gamefaqs. This is the most popular of sites dedicated providing detailed guides, hints, tips, tricks, cheats, and etc. for gamers for every video game out there. I know I used it a lot. But gamefaqs in general suck!

Here's the thing: Most Gamefaqs authors were like, 8 to teenage!  You know how well those people can write? They write like shit. It can be so bad, you give up without finding your answer, or they'd be so inept they couldn't communicate the answer. Here's a list of all the shit that made gamefaqs barely qualify as English!

1) Summarizing Game Events
This happened a lot! They had to explain what was going on in the game for you for some reason. I don't know why! It's completely useless! I'm playing the fuggin' game, asswipe! This is wrong because it's not important information! If it doesn't tell me what to do do or how to do it, it's an obstacle to my goal: learning what to do! It's crap I have to filter out for myself to get to the useful bits. Sometimes, you'd read entire paragraphs and you wouldn't find shit! You didn't know there wouldn't be anything there. What a waste of time!

2) Commentary
After uselessly summarizing the game's events, they'd do something even more useless:  Make comments! I don't need to know if you thought a scene was funny, asscrack. I don't care if you think Cloud is an asshole. Shut up and tell me where the Mithril Pants are before I find out where you live! I don't care about your opinions!

3) Jokes
They made jokes! They made fucking jokes! And they weren't funny, either! They were never funny. More shit that made me waste my time having to filter out as superfluous garbage. They didn't seem to understand that we each have our own inner voice; that is to say, when I read something, it sounds like THIS in MY head and not the way it sounds in your head! You're not funny. I didn't read your FAQ for the humor.

4) File Size
There's FAQs so long they don't fit hard drives in space craft! A) Get a life and B) work on your conciseness! These people went for records, man. There are FAQs greater than 1Meg! Why?! At some point I learned to just click the smaller FAQs. You know the ones that didn't have good ratings? They were succinct. If there were any gaps in their information, you could fill them by referring to some of the larger guides, but for the most part you were all set.

5) Type-Os and Mistakes
Sometimes an entire key idea was completely lost due to some phenomenally bad type-Os that where completely uncharacteristic of what you'd been reading so far! All of the sudden, an entire sentence was cut out. They couldn't be interpreted! You'd guess at this point! If you guessed right, it meant that you figured it out all by yourself and you didn't need this guy. These were scary! Did this guy not have the answer and bullshit a type-O because it was that hard? Sometimes, they just had it wrong.

6) Rumors and Misinformation
Speaking of being wrong, thanks to Youtube you can't bullshit us with rumors anymore. Anyone who ever said you can revive Aeris is right where they belong now, I'm sure, dead. Sometimes they just told you shit you could do or couldn't do without actually knowing, and that's what you thought!

7) Organization
Let's face it, a lot of times these people don't know how to organize their material. They would give you directions to places or step by step instructions on how to do things and you got lost! You didn't just get lost, you were catastrophically lost! You had to go back! You had to reread shit. You didn't just have to reread shit, you had to replay shit, too! Why? It's because the directions were only given in twenty sentence paragraphs! They used landmarks that made no sense. They complicated simple things like left and right, up and down. Some steps got more details. This caused confusion. If one step gets 2 sentences while three other steps are in one sentence, you wondered what the fuck they were trying to communicate!

Now that we have Youtube, people can actually show you what to do and how to do it. Thanks, Youtube!

Men Can Hit Women

"Violence Against Women" is one of the most overused stupid rhetorics ever. It's usually preceded with "I don't believe in" or followed by "is wrong," As if violence against men is perfectly fine. Fuck you. I take the stance that Violence is wrong and fighting should only be used in self-defense. If you're ever in danger, put your own safety and the safety of loved ones first. It doesn't matter what the gender of your attacker is, that's sexist. Punch them in the temple, the eye, the jaw, whatever. Go for the throat if need be. No one has the right to harm you. Use self defense on anyone. I hope I don't have to spell out "reasonable force" to any detractors. I only point it out if there are people so unfamiliar with SELF-DEFENSE!

The only problem I see when it comes to men hitting women is weight class. Some women are small and some men are huge! It wouldn't be reasonable for for a 6'4" 250lbs man to deck a 5'0" 100lbs woman unless she had a gun or a knife, but otherwise, a few shots to the face are fair. If you don't believe a woman like that couldn't do serious damage, you're underestimating her; I would say that's sexist.

I hate that people are more passionate about women taking blows from men than about men taking blows from women. There's clearly some faulty connection in your brain. Is all violence wrong or are there forms of violence that are more wrong? Like skinning someone, that's pretty wrong. If a fistfight is wrong, why get more pissed at the man in a man vs woman fistfight than the woman? There's clearly a need to treat  PEOPLE differently based on GENDER. That's the definition of sexism. Thank you.

Violence against women is more wrong than violence against men because people are sexist assholes. Actually, I want you to hear yourself say "self-defense against female attackers is wrong."

Singing is Rude

I hate hearing other people sing. Here's why it't rude: You're being noisy. Maybe people don't want to be subjected to that particular stimuli. It's inconsiderate to just go around making noise without caring what nearby people think. Did you ask anyone if they mind if you sing? Don't you think that would be polite? You might not realize it, but you may be a lousy singer. Also, not everyone likes your taste in music, not to criticize your taste or preferences. There's a lot of songs I don't want to hear. Sometimes you can make a good song bad.

Actually, what bothers me about other people singing is not their singing as much as it's that they're singing. They don't know or care if they're bothering anyone. They're too stupid to know better. It agitates me, actually. Someone off to the side singing badly without a second thought. Sometimes you ask them to stop. Have you ever done that? Is there a nice way to do it? "Excuse me, could you please stop singing? I'm trying to read/watch a movie/concentrate on work/use the phone/etc." In my experience they get offended or they tell you something dumb like  "I'm not bothering anything." Sometimes people are kind and understanding and they agree, but five minutes later they forget! I could just leave the room but what if I was there first? What if you can't find a place in the house where you can no longer hear them? These are the kind of people who stand in front of the TV to talk to you, interrupt you while you're reading, or play music too loud.

Do Not Support the FCC

I do not support the FCC. I believe it is an unconstitutional entity because it is an abridgment of our freedom of speech. To hide a penis or a breast is more offensive than the image of a penis or a breast. The idea is control, which is folly. Some of the most "distasteful" sights and sounds exist in nature, in the real world, and in our flawed, human society. To hide it or cover it up because it's something distasteful, shameful, or wrong says all kinds of screwed up things about our collective psychology. First off, you're not giving people enough credit when you hide things. You're saying they're too weak or stupid to handle truth. Either that or you're suggesting that there's some inherent benevolence in doing the kindness of keeping us from things that are vulgar and indecent whether we like it or not. Second, you're blatantly filtering reality. It makes us blissfully and arrogantly ignorant of the suffering that much of the impoverished world endures day to day. It's arrogant because we choose to ignore it because it's beneath us to acknowledge it. It makes us naive to the harshness of the world. Art and entertainment should challenge us; it should challenge our perspective because that keeps us from becoming complacent and apathetic. An all male sex orgy is not offensive, but an inane, insipid, and trite conversation had by Snooki and her friends is.

What if you did show a penis or a breast? We have nudist cultures all over the world and the distinct difference between us and them is we have unhealthy body issues. We learn to be ashamed of our bodies. No one sits down with us and calmly, pleasantly says to us, "Son, your body is gross and disgusting and no one wants to see it. Keep yourself covered up," and that sounds bad enough but what we get instead is even worse. What happens in America when we see a breast is disgust and outrage: "Holy mother of god! I can't believe something so shameful could happen! It was wrong! It was obscene and wrong! Shame on you! This country is dire need of help!" Now, which do you think is more damaging to a child? The sight of a human breast? or people and your collective authority telling you to be ashamed of your disgusting breasts?

For all we know, it's probably perfectly healthy to see nakedness.  When did the first humans cover up anyway? Many cultures still don't and the problems with their societies don't come from their nudity! The FCC is not our mommy and daddy, stop messing with my TV and radio.

Washington "Redskins" Stays!

I don't care about sports, but there's a controversy within sports that is of a passing interest to me. The team name Washington Redskins in considered offensive by some and these people pressure the owners to change the name to something that is "good" or "nice" or PC. I think this is bogus. This so called offensive team name is less offensive than imposing our ideas on others. This is our culture now, and you can see how it has considerably degraded in the past 250 years. Remember "I don't agree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it?" That's what America used to be about.

Let's go to an extreme example. I don't like the sound of The Washington Niggers, but what if? I say, It's your team, name it what you want. I don't see any children going hungry over this. The sun won't grow any dimmer. If you don't like it, root for the other guys. Don't play on that team. Don't buy their shit. Just don't support them, but remember to respect them none the less because disrespect and mistreatment will only make a bad situation worse.

When the president of the U.S.A. is bothered to comment on the subject, I think maybe we are taking ourselves too seriously.