Gamefaqs Sucks

Before I was gaming, there was only Nintendo Power and what the other kids knew. When the internets were invented, a wizard created Gamefaqs. This is the most popular of sites dedicated providing detailed guides, hints, tips, tricks, cheats, and etc. for gamers for every video game out there. I know I used it a lot. But gamefaqs in general suck!

Here's the thing: Most Gamefaqs authors were like, 8 to teenage!  You know how well those people can write? They write like shit. It can be so bad, you give up without finding your answer, or they'd be so inept they couldn't communicate the answer. Here's a list of all the shit that made gamefaqs barely qualify as English!

1) Summarizing Game Events
This happened a lot! They had to explain what was going on in the game for you for some reason. I don't know why! It's completely useless! I'm playing the fuggin' game, asswipe! This is wrong because it's not important information! If it doesn't tell me what to do do or how to do it, it's an obstacle to my goal: learning what to do! It's crap I have to filter out for myself to get to the useful bits. Sometimes, you'd read entire paragraphs and you wouldn't find shit! You didn't know there wouldn't be anything there. What a waste of time!

2) Commentary
After uselessly summarizing the game's events, they'd do something even more useless:  Make comments! I don't need to know if you thought a scene was funny, asscrack. I don't care if you think Cloud is an asshole. Shut up and tell me where the Mithril Pants are before I find out where you live! I don't care about your opinions!

3) Jokes
They made jokes! They made fucking jokes! And they weren't funny, either! They were never funny. More shit that made me waste my time having to filter out as superfluous garbage. They didn't seem to understand that we each have our own inner voice; that is to say, when I read something, it sounds like THIS in MY head and not the way it sounds in your head! You're not funny. I didn't read your FAQ for the humor.

4) File Size
There's FAQs so long they don't fit hard drives in space craft! A) Get a life and B) work on your conciseness! These people went for records, man. There are FAQs greater than 1Meg! Why?! At some point I learned to just click the smaller FAQs. You know the ones that didn't have good ratings? They were succinct. If there were any gaps in their information, you could fill them by referring to some of the larger guides, but for the most part you were all set.

5) Type-Os and Mistakes
Sometimes an entire key idea was completely lost due to some phenomenally bad type-Os that where completely uncharacteristic of what you'd been reading so far! All of the sudden, an entire sentence was cut out. They couldn't be interpreted! You'd guess at this point! If you guessed right, it meant that you figured it out all by yourself and you didn't need this guy. These were scary! Did this guy not have the answer and bullshit a type-O because it was that hard? Sometimes, they just had it wrong.

6) Rumors and Misinformation
Speaking of being wrong, thanks to Youtube you can't bullshit us with rumors anymore. Anyone who ever said you can revive Aeris is right where they belong now, I'm sure, dead. Sometimes they just told you shit you could do or couldn't do without actually knowing, and that's what you thought!

7) Organization
Let's face it, a lot of times these people don't know how to organize their material. They would give you directions to places or step by step instructions on how to do things and you got lost! You didn't just get lost, you were catastrophically lost! You had to go back! You had to reread shit. You didn't just have to reread shit, you had to replay shit, too! Why? It's because the directions were only given in twenty sentence paragraphs! They used landmarks that made no sense. They complicated simple things like left and right, up and down. Some steps got more details. This caused confusion. If one step gets 2 sentences while three other steps are in one sentence, you wondered what the fuck they were trying to communicate!

Now that we have Youtube, people can actually show you what to do and how to do it. Thanks, Youtube!