Americans Are Stupid and Here's Some Anecdotal Evidence

I work in retail. I work in one of those big super markets like Target or Wal-Mart, but for the sake of keeping my personal and professional shenanigans separate, let's not say specifically which store I work.  I work in the automotive department where I meet some of the stupidest morons you'll encounter in America.

There's two kinds of people who shop in the automotive department: 1, People who REALLY know what they're looking for and 2, people who barely count as people. The Latter will actually ask me "Do you work in this department? Could you **recommend me oil/filter/spark plugs/battery/etc.?" One thing that frustrates me is this: I don't even own a car. Need I say more? What I actually mean is that I know squat about cars, so I am often put in a position where I have to explain "yes, I work in automotive but no, I don't know anything about cars. Yeah, that is funny, isn't it?"

Here's where I'm going with this, you might even call it the punchline: What the hell are people doing asking GODDAMN CLERKS for advice on caring for their $10,000-$25,000+ investments! I'm just a clerk, I stock the shelves and I help people find shit. Also, I *clean up after them. If I knew enough about cars that I could teach people basic car maintenance in one sitting I'd have a marketable skill! Why the fuck don't you ask your mechanic? You know, the person who actually went to school to study cars! These people are so stupid that they ask perfect strangers to tell them how to care for their cars. I could sabotage them. "5w-30? No, fuck that shit. That's bullshit. You know what they put in those formula 1 cars? Crisco. I would recommend that."

You know, I really appreciate a self reliant customer. The department has these machines and books scattered around that you can use to look up what parts or oil your car needs. People are generally too stupid to use them and require me to use them for them.

*People actually leave messes behind as they shop, including their garbage.
**key. fucking. phrase!

10 Reasons Why Zombie Apoclypse Preparation Won't Matter

In case of a zombie apocalypse, grab a gun or a sword, get your friends, and head over to the nearest Wal-Mart, right? Barricade yourselves inside, play video games, eat snacks, actively hunt zombies and search for survivors, fall in love with the hot chick, etc. Well, a zombie apocalypse might seem like a big deal but it's small potatoes compared to what you're actually about to face. 1 of 2 things, or both: because we haven't the technology and nature is most certainly not primed to spawn a zombie virus anytime soon, the appearance of a zombie apocalypse denotes either the start of a new Dark Age or an Alien Invasion.

New Dark Age
In the event of a ZA, the potential for a new dark age is very real because if enough of the right people die off, we will lose our ability to use our own technology and all societal structure will crumble with no political stability. The survivors will go through all the available food and resources and/or it will spoil within a year, max three and by then you're not eating a healthy, balanced diet. You are going to have to reinvent agriculture and raise future generations to revive all our lost technology. Worse case scenario, let's say enough drug cartel guys or something like that survive. You're fucked. You don't want to have to compete with people like that. They will make the new dark age violent, sad, and longer than it needs to be.

The Alien Invasion
This is ingenious because no one besides me has ever thought of this, ever. Why would invading aliens fly around zapping us, (although zapping is also pretty bad for us)? A star aged culture would be able to use a weaponized disease such as a zombie virus if not something less modern horror. It's highly contagious with a 100% infection rate. Fuck "Warm Bodies." Our population would be reduced to a tiny fraction very rapidly. Due to the collapse of society we would have no technology and no resources to speak of. They'd conquer the shit out of us in less than 6 months.

I would take the easy route and shoot myself in the brain pretty early on. Right before that I'd probably dick pick the FCC or something.

$3 Coffee is Bullshit

Nothing makes me feel white guilt, period, end of story, except for Star Bucks. It's walking out of a needlessly fancy building (expensive bullshit facade with bullshit trendy, pretentious atmosphere and bad music especially during the winter holiday season) with an overpriced, over-sized snack-treat which I didn't earn that morning (or week/month/year!) that I don't share with anyone while children are staving in the cold with disease, witnessing death, sadness and ruin most of the world over. That to me is more indecent than an accidental nipple or doing an overtly sexual dance at a legal age of ones own free will. Starbucks fuels my misanthropy. An entire species of asshats so woefully selfish that Starbucks (as well as the Superbowl and denying equality to people based on sexual orientation) take precedence in their minds before helping the less fortunate and making the world a better place. I wonder how many of the great minds of our time do their best work inside of a Starbucks! Oh, how I mope, and such a delight is my impotence.

 I think the average drink at Starbucks is 3 to 5 dollars and some drinks have as many (empty) calories as a whole meal. Starbucks has taken the commodity of the coffee bean and turned it into an empire on which you could base dystopian fiction. Sure, less romantic than a resource like gold or coal, and that's what makes it so much darker! I think its sad, at the time of this writing, that dystopia is not a word recognized by blogger, but it knows that Starbucks is a proper noun! Kleptocracy.

Please bring back $0.99 coffee, which I still think is overpriced for roasted bean juice and milk. You know what I do for coffee? I buy a big container of dehydrated coffee for ~$4 two or three times a year and add silk. It get's old and there is a quality to it which I can't put my finger on that I don't quite like, but to me, it isn't that much worse than the crap I get from Starbucks; This is where some of the guilt comes from - it's fancy coffee that is only slightly better than my coffee. I suppose my palette is not refined enough to appreciate the Starbucks quality. So what? That's Starbucks' problem.

Also, nice topless mermaid. Ass.

In Need of a Male Opinion?

Society is complicated. A particular conflict of mine is that I'm under the (miss?)conception that women really, really appreciate compliments; however, I almost never compliment anyone, ever, even if it'd be really easy because I don't know what is appropriate to say as well as how to say it and at what point in any type of relationship does what become acceptable or obsolete. For instance, when can you reassure a young woman that she, in spite of having a fat day when she didn't have enough time to do her hair and makeup and when a few extra errands left her feeling less than fresh, that she shouldn't worry, i.e., is still sexy or attractive, without giving her the idea that you are a creep and/or interested in dating? Also, if I tell a woman she looks good today, does that imply that she looks ugly on other days or that by good I mean GOOOOD wink wink nudge nudge? 

Sometimes, I have heard women chatting about how they feel about themselves and it felt like I could make someones day by telling her she looks good. Too bad I don't know how. Does that mean I have weird social disorders because I actually fear repercussions for complimenting people?! I mean, I know I'd be flattered if someone told me I look good; and in some ways, the less I know them the more it might mean because some friends don't see our flaws like we do and we mostly dismiss those friends because we know a. they're just looking out for out emotional well being and b. how qualified is our average friend to protect our  emotional well-being?

If I just walk up to a sad looking woman on the street and offer her a pretty flower and a reassuring smile that says "life's a bitch, hang in there, you can do it!" all in an attempt to brighten her day and nothing else, am I doing a  random act of kindness or am I scaring the shit out of her?! Will she slap me and begin venting all her pent up frustrations as a member of a discriminated social group or become infatuated with me even though oops I didn't mean it like that. I'm under the impression that all women just have the worst suspicions of men these days. Thanks for that irrational and crippling fear, modern feminism! You have surely reduced the reproduction of our species to rapist and stupid people.

Also, I never try to do or say anything assuring to men either because it would be sexist if I chose to make small differences in peoples days based on gender. Once again, thank you modern feminism. I could be the guy making big fucking differences with little things in this world if I weren't so scared of offending women or women thinking I'm a predator or a sexist. I can picture older, more experienced people laughing, finding my dilemma humorously charming. Fuck you, out with the advice, already! And help me do my taxes! Asses!

You know what? I'm not sure the central idea is obvious enough. I usually feel that people, dumb though they may be, are still smart enough to deduce my point or points when I write in a way that tries to credit their  intelligence while also trying to appeal to their sense of humor, and I do like to think of my ramblings as something so smart that you are supposed to think about it, but this time I'm not sure. Fuck the essay format.

Product Review: Draino

It seems to me like Draino wants people to think it can clear ANY clog. It even says on the bottle "for tough clogs..." recommending you use a whole $8 bottle and wait for a whole hour! Does anyone else get that impression? Well, I've had 2 lame bathroom sinks for long enough, and Draino was mo' like lameo, so I visited Youtube for a 2 minute solution and bam! Apparently, clearing a bathroom sink is a 5 minute operation if you tie one arm behind your back, use both feet and no eyes. There was this gross, smelly mass of stuff that came out. Thanks for dissolving that, Draino. Draino Co., I'll be sending it your way in a box marked "you had one job." Bam.