Kingdom Hearts 3 is released after more than a decade. Here's why it took so long to make this game. The developers had to make it in stages: Production then cringing under the desk. Put simply and cleanly, devs for Kingdom Farts spent 3 years on production and 10 years on self-soothing. I can't imagine why anyone would put themselves through a production schedule of make a little bit of the game and then go do drugs to cope with the shame and repeat until complete. Of course, this game is definitely complete right? Knowing this series, there are 5 titles waiting just to explain some other bullshit you could overthink. Geez. Fuck.
I still don't know what kingdom hearts is, but fuck it. I understand the concept of defeating your enemies with the power of rock and roll so what the fuck ever. Kingdom Balls 3 features a story about Riku and King Mickey doing important stuff off screen while Sora grinds back up from level 1. That's The actual plot. At least they had a half decent reason for Sora being on level 1. This game is more linear than previous games, so I give it a big penalty for that. The stories you get when you visit Disney worlds are lame. Half of them, you're just doing the movie. 5 points will be deducted from Heart House. Finally, you visit the final level, and shit goes down, but it's trope-ier than your average MLP FIM episode. More on that later. The ending is not satisfying and a redemption story for the villain comes out of this shitshow like a goddamn zombie rising from a porta-potty to wrap up the plot for Square's inept writing department. Xehanort gives up for no fucking reason and hands over the black materia with a frowny face like a scolded child.
Let's now compare KH3 to My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. MLP FIM is a show written for kids complete with a moral of the day in each episode that is exposited explicitly by at least one character at the end before everyone eats pie and has a group hug and takes a photo. KH had it's shit together once upon a time, for example, the first game, which is still cringey as fuck. I won't allow Square to use the fact that this game has always had bad writing as an excuse to be weaker than MLP FIM. What is Gundam Hearts 3 about? What's the moral of the day? Are there any jokes adults can appreciate like in MLP? No, this game is superficial. It is made to look and feel cool, but the story is "hearts are good, but also bad, but good." Fffffffffff uck.
MLP FIM can set up a plot and resolve it in 20 minutes. KH can't even keep its internal rules consistent. I thought the keyblade chose it's own master, now they're interchangeable and anyone can join the club. Keyblade wielders are more redundant now than super saiyajins. Hell, I can wield a keyblade. What is the darkness in peoples hearts? What is the light? What are hearts? Why does spikey hair look like a bunch of bananas at the wrong angle? Why was Maleficent here? Why was Kairi a token girl and also a women in refrigerator? Why does Riku have an actual relationship with his inner child who sacrifices himself for Namine? Why is Namine important? Is she important? How can Sora has a relationship with Kairi while Riku can have a relationship with a character who only exists because Kairi partially died and the universe spawned a substitute to be a place holder until she could be brought back? And then why is there another version of Kairi with black hair and how can she know shit about Kairi who is dead again? What did anyone in Organozation XIII want? What was their motivation? The blonde girl literally told Sora it was a secret! Why did Donald almost die just by casting a spell!
By the way, how cool was it that King Mickey knows Ultima! I don't know or care why or how. That's pretty fucking awesome!
Once upon a time, a linear game was normal. The constant cutscenes in KH3 make you feel like you're being lead around on a constant tour and I want off! It started off as a quest to get your lost power back, then you just go to the last level because there's suddenly some urgency in this plot. God. Geez. After seeing new and old Disney levels with little original content, you just go to the last level and Sora, who has not verified that he has recovered his lost power, is the MVP. No one can keep up with him. He fights all the bosses and then follows the villain to the Square / Disney version of Purgatory to finish him off. When did we say Sora has recovered his strength? Fuck!
The villains are bullshit. I don't remember their names or care about them. Everyone has stupid hair. That's another reason why it took so long to make this game, bullshit hair.
Winnie the Pooh was back. Thank fuck it was only a ten minute cutscene. It was a crappy as hell cutscene too. Sora is too old for Winnie the Pooh and there's just no potential for conflict!
No final fantasy characters present. I can't tell if that's a good thing or not. They probably got cut and that explains why the game is so short. They could have at least given us a black mage! That would have been cool.
What are the redeeming qualities of this game? It looks pretty and it's fun. They should just make an arcade game / tournament fighter already! 1 ball / 10. Don't give Square your money.
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