I recently watched a let's play of Theme Hospital. It's a quirky hospital management simulator with odd illnesses and whacky doctors. It looks super fun. I'm thinking about downloading Two Point Hospital now. I also wrote some of my own ideas for fake illnesses.
Illnesses
1. Fire Ass
- Description: Constant itchiness and burning sensation in the behind accompanied by intense flatulence.
- Caused by: Too much spicy food
- Treatment: Flush out the colon with cold water at 27 miles per hour.
2. Cold Bones
- Description: A constant chill and numbness accompanied by slowness of movement.
- Caused by: Too many frozen dinners
- Treatment: Medical grade Hot Chocolate.
3. Third Eye Disorder
- Description: Patient becomes debilitatingly sensitive to the movement of the earth through space.
- Causes by: Watching two TV shows at once.
- Treatment: A clinical psychologist debriefs the patient about each show, one at a time.
- Description: Patient feels dissociated from their own hands. They lose most hand-eye coordination and fine motor control.
- Causes: Excessive losing at a dirty claw machine.
- Treatment: Give the patient a cleaning clothe and have them wipe a table until symptoms subside.
5. Phantom Phone
- Description: The patient feels like their phone is vibrating on their thigh even when they don't have their phone.
- Causes: Receiving too many robocalls.
- Treatment: Real Canadian syrup brushed onto the outsides of their thighs.
6. Wicked Hiccups
- Description: Hiccups so intense the patient's head rotates sharply causing momentary loss of balance and disorientation. Prolonged effects include dizziness and neck pains.
- Causes: Drinking multiple drinks with different straws at once.
- Treatment: Use of an expensive sponge machine to sponge out all the air from their lungs.
7. Bottle-nose Dolphin Syndrome
- Description: Patient's nose grows and develops an organ for echo location. The patient becomes so sensitive to sound that they can't get a full night of sleep and as a result experience anxiety and fatigue.
- Causes: Bitten by a radioactive dolphin.
- Treatment: Rhinoplasty to remove the organ from the nose.
- Description: Patient's left leg becomes a sea leg and can't get used to walking on land.
- Causes: Not enough vitamin C or too much time standing on a boat with one leg while the other is on solid ground.
- Treatment: Administer a shot of Vitamin C to the thigh muscle.
- Description: Constant sweating and stink regardless of the weather or activity.
- Causes: A reaction to a bite from a newly discovered mutated species of spider called the Spider-Bastard.
- Bastard Anti-venom.
- Description: Though not paralyzed, the neck is locked as if fixed in place by an invisible neck brace or a bad rubber superhero costume. The patient cannot turn or tilt their head.
- Causes: Infection from a newly discovered plastic eating bacteria that is found on plastic.
- Treatment: Antibiotics.
- Description: A small creature in your ear that attempts to dominate your mind and make you break electronics and machines.
- Causes: A gremlin leaves it's tiny spawn on your phone that gets in your ear if you hold it up to your head.
- Treatment: Surgically remove the gremlin.
- Description: Your lungs rot resulting with chronic shortness of breathe and inability to climb stairs.
- Causes: Breathing incense.
- Treatment: A puff of pure oxygen 2 times a day for 5 days.
- Description: Your feet fall asleep and won't wake up. They are so numb, they get stuck in place as if frozen in time.
- Causes: Practicing yoga in ill-fitting steel toe boots.
- Treatment: Whack the patient on the feet with a rubber hammer.
- Description: The neck lengthens and the head swells resembling a balloon. This makes it very difficult to eat and walk through a doorway. The neck gets tired quickly.
- Causes: Scuba diving upside down.
- Treatment: Slowly administer a low dose of hormones until the head and neck return to normal.
- Description: Your body begins retaining water that gels. Causes discomfort when sitting, lopsided sitting, and awkward attention from strangers.
- Causes: Absorbing a common ingredient found in cheap hair gel through the scalp and palms and using too much hair gel.
- Treatment: Poke a hole in the patient and squeeze the gelatin out.
- Description: Back, legs, liver, lungs, and larynx all ache terribly.
- Causes: Overexertion while running and 50Ks.
- Treatment: A very sugary grape flavored drink with B12 and electrolytes.
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