When I was a kid, most cereal commercials rocked. Now, I don't even know what the hell is going on anymore. These commercials are lame and lousy. I guess it's all OK because everything is new to the 7 and under demographic. I think a lot of the themes used for cereal commercial characters and situations come from the 50's and they're obsolete. It's a cultural void sucking in our best values and exposing our old bullshity ones.
Fruit Loops
The most normal cereal commercials are for fruit loops and they suck. Why the hell are Tukan Sam and his triplet nephews doing exploring very dangerous parts of the world in search of his own cereal - which they steal! The parts of this idea that are original are stupid. On their adventures they always encounter some giant monster that wants to kill them over a matter of 4 bowls of cereal. Somehow they escape with a sample and the monster ends up tripping on his misplaced competence (Oh, there is was!) and falling into some scooby-doo-esque trap that was pre-existing as a feature of whatever environment they're in. These commercials are so ridiculously fast paced, I think they're distorting your children's sense of time. No creativity goes into this whatsoever.
Cocoa Puffs
They're crunchy! They're munchy! They're chocolatey!
"Sonny, please stay calm. You're having an episode."
They're Mother Fucking Cocoa Puffs!
"Mr. Cucko Bird, please respond if you can hear my voice."
COCOA PUFFS! Get out of my way, bastard! Daddy needs his medicine!
"He's starting to hallucinat! Don't let him touch you!"
*crash* *bang*
"Oh SHIT!"
COCOA PUFFS! ROAR! COCOA PUFFS!
"Uh-Oh! Hurry with the tranquilizers, Ned! He's got a knife!"
I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs! CUCKOO for COCOA PUFFS! OOWAAAAOHHHHHH!
*Wham* *BASH*
"MY EYE! OH GOD, MY EYE!"
*CRASH* *BOOM*
"Argh! NOOO! AHHHH!"
Gotta get me some o'dat chocolate!
"OHHHHohoho. Ohhhhh..."
"Huff, puff. Jim! My god! My. God."
Sweet, sweet chocolate!
"It's time for a nap, Sonny."
*Pow*
Oooooh Whoa! Oooh. Oooooooooh hoohoo. Oof.
*Thud*
"Oh Jesus, it's over. It's all finally over."
"For now, Matt. It is for now."
Here's my idea for Cocoa Puffs commercials: Anything but the crazy shtick. It always sucked.
Honey Nut Cheerios
I actually love this cereal, but now Buzz Bee is somehow the only citizen from his bee and honey themed city that does not resemble a beehive whatsoever who is fighting off pirates and thieves and monsters and aliens and shit from stealing all their honey which is their food. Are all these other bees just the laziest assholes in the world? How is it the only some child and his color-coordinated, proportionately distinct friends can do anything? Where are the cops or the army? Notice no one gets hurt and nothing gets broken ever. Then they have an award ceremony that shames Princess Leah and the rebellion. Bah. These commercials are so weird I can't even remember where the cereal comes in. Do they force-feed it to the bad guys to make them stop? That sounds easy enough yet legally questionable.
Get us something better.
Trix
Fuck this rabbit. Get a job. Buy some cereal. Borrow some cereal. Beg for cereal. Stop trying to steal it from children. Those children are assholes anyway. Find some other children who aren't actually assholes. And what's with this "Trix are for kids" bullshit? I can understand if rabbits aren't supposed to eat this food because it's not good for them, but for kids only and no one else? I don't want to my kids to learn discrimination even if it's charming. Fuck you, Trix. I mean that.
I never liked the Trix theme of the rabbit trying to con some kids out of their cereal or just plain steal it. The kids would never freak out either. In some cases, they were almost the victims of theft! Cry for help! There's a stranger doing weird shit. This is not how you react to liars and thieves. To me, it just makes the kids look cruel. This poor rabbit just wants some Trix and these kids know it. He's been trying for years, and not one damn kid ever shares. They always look so satisfied when they deprive the Trix bunny of a meal. FUCK! Why don't the kids just trap him and mail him in a box without any holes to a foreign country with fragile crossed out.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch
I can't believe they're allowed to do this. This is Christmas Critter shit. There's something sick about cannibalistic, wild eyed cereal pieces who's madness invokes genuine responses of fear in the faces of the other cereal pieces right before they fucking die! They die a gruesome death too - being eaten alive. The killer cereal pieces are disturbingly happy after killing someone else. A lack of value for life and suffering is disturbing to sensitive people and children. When I was a kid, something like this would have made me feel sad. No exaggeration. I would have a knot in my stomach over this imagery. It's not graphic per se, but the concept is there and vivid enough.
Apple Jacks
I always hated these commercials. They don't taste like apples, so why do you kids eat them? Kids pause for a minute then celebrate that they "just do" and no adult understands that. Psh. What it does is it creates some kind of illusion in children's mind that you have some special perspective of the world that adults lack. I think this is more of an illusion we impose on ourselves that children are pure and innocent and special. They're not, they just dumb. Kids aren't special. Fuck you.
Then the later theme of a laid-back cinnamon stick who competes with a bitter apple. Never liked this crap either. I hate it when one character is always the loser, even in Tom & Jerry. No misfortune ever befalls cinnamon and it makes him look like such a douche bag when that asshole apple catastrophically loses. He's clearly insecure about being short and fat and that's why he feels the need to cheat all the time. I think this creates social stigmas and a judgmental mentality. Don't try to help the poor, insecure, disadvantaged cheater apple, who's short and fat and that makes him bad. Don't try to understand his pain. He's a cheater and that makes it OK to celebrate his failure, demonize him, then move on with out lives.
Captain Crunch
I don't even remember these commercials, but somehow I remember them being good. Fuck you Kelloggs.' I would have told Michelle Obama where she can stick it and then what she could go do after. This is America. We have a free market and we have the freedom to sell whatever unhealthy shit we want. Stop trying to curb our freedoms and stop teaching kids that it's OK to impose our will on others! Asshole.
Rice Krispies
I don't remember these, but I think it had something to do with the noise made by the cereal as it sits in the milk. I liked the cereal fine, but I can't remember seeing the mascots do anything. Lame.
Any Flintstones Cereal
When I was a kid, I liked these commercials. Barney wasn't an asshole thief, he was a hero and Fred was being a selfish asshole. Now, I can only see the shitty behavior and irresponsibility of both parties. Go to the store and get your own, Barney! You violate people's privacy, vandalize, litter, and steal! Your schemes are clearly a cry for help. They're all overly complicated and time consuming. They can't possibly be simpler than going to the store! Do you have money issues? Are you depraved? A bored and crappy person? What the hell! And Fred, call the police! Don't threaten him with a violent shake of your fist while screaming and then chasing after him! What you must've done to make Barney act this way. Classic.
Also, the ideas for these started to suck recently.
Cookie Crisp
Fuck. Cookie Crisp.
My Cereal Commercial Ideas
*Another flavor, a different one each time, usually a weird one like kitchen sink sponge or soap or rotten banana peel, wants to be a part of the cereal, and the current flavor has to say no and keep him out. This usually involves the current flavor turning him down and going back inside his box. Slapstick gags follow where the current flavor cleverly defends his cereal's flavor from inside the box which is used like his fortress equipped with trap.
*Some guys are on their lunch break. One of them is eating cereal for breakfast and another one is somehow turned off by this. Seinfeld conversations and mockery with wordplay and droll humor ensue.
*Two kids are denied cereal for lunch in the school cafeteria so they have to sneak home from school for some. This could involve disusing themselves as bushes, going to the computer lab and ordering a rocket from acme, shipping themselves in boxes, or stealing cars from the parking lot of their school. They can't be seen by their family either. Then they have to return to school and slip past an authority figure who narrowly, accidentally catches them.
*Finally, I think TeamFourStar should have Vegetta and Nappa push some cereal. Maybe you could make Saiyajin O's or something. I would buy that cereal to support the commercials.
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