Who Stole Christmas From Who?

Christians complain that the holidays are being taken over. Christmas is really about Jesus, and everyone has lost sight of that, and it's a shame, blah blah blah. Well, the reality is that the Christians are just the last people to steal Christmas and they're being babies because everyone else is copying them and stealing Christmas too. So who's stealing Christmas? America? Atheists? Capitalism? The Jews? I would love to see a parody  about how the Christians stole Christmas from the pagans that was educational. Then, make a bunch more comedies about how the various other cultures are stealing it from the Christians. Who stole Christmas first anyway?

Predicting the Future: How They'll Use the Word "Gay"

I was at my retail store listening to some christmas music. "Don our gay apparel?" I thought to myself. "I have no gay apparel. It's all work uniform colors. That's it. That's all the clothes I really own.

My generation seems to be fond of irony. I could imagine if things went just right, we'll be using the word gay ironically, like when bad meant good. Things you like are gay now and things you don't like still suck. It might catch on during the next generation when it becomes less taboo and for which Christians won't flick holy water at their kids if they say "gays are OK." The very next generation, however, the irony party will mysteriously escape them and it'll go right over their heads. They'll think gay really means good, or happy, which is what it originally meant. The word will have gone full circle. I believe that's the natural path of words. I can't wait till "asshole" becomes "serial killer," "proctologists" means "butt guy," and when "rocket scientist" and "short bus" become interchangeable.

Predicting the Future: Civil Servant Matrons

I think I'm ahead of my time. I believe the modern concept of family is stupid. Loving people unconditionally because of a similar genetic makeup? How arbitrary. You might as well love someone because they're short or tall. I love people based on how much our minds are alike; How we are intellectually and emotionally similar. Once upon a time, your kids were a means to secure your legitimacy or your property or an alliance. In the west, you were commanded by God to procreate whether you really wanted to or not; even if you didn't like kids and were no good at rearing them. I don't know who later went around and said kids were a joy and that raising them was in itself a satisfying endeavor.

I know there are plenty of kids out there who were conceived unintentionally by people who were not financially prepared to be parents. There are also many people having children who are not physically, intellectually, or emotionally capable of being good parents. There are many hungry children sleeping in cars in my first world country. Some day, this will change. Some day, people will just have better sense. They'll be smarter and happier people. Still, why should there still be a traditional family unit? My biological family is not preferred over my friends who I consider my surrogate and real family.

I believe that someday the orphanage will also evolve. An orphan will not be a sad thing. People who do not want to raise kids will be under no obligation when there's plenty of people out there who love kids and have the aptitude for taking care of them. I know of people myself who love kids so much they want to have 10! Why not pay those kinds of people to be full-time, kickass parents? Imagine how much more effective a parent could be without the need for money. Imagine how much better off the child will be when they more have access to a happier parent.

I believe that a society can function if no one raised their own kids and if all the kids were raised by professional matrons who were trained, educated, psychologically healthy, etc. It's not state parenting by Bush or Obama. Big Brother is not programming your kids. It's a real surrogate family funded by the state with the goal of raising and caring for kids as optimally as possible. Parenting is not a natural skill in which everyone is talented. Some people do it better.

Some of my favorite teachers are my favorite teachers because teaching was their passion, and the classroom was their happy place. Thank you to Scott Kirchner aka Cap'n Bob.

The Best toys to put inside the cupboard from The Indian in the Cupboard

As a kid I thought about how great it would be to have that magic cupboard that brings toys to life. I had perverted ideas about Barbie dolls as an 8 year old, but as an adult I think it would actually be incredible to talk to Barbie. Think, she's been a doctor, a veterinarian, a pilot, a super model, an equestrian, a chef or baker or the like, and a fashion designer. She's probably owned and run her own hair salon and cupcake kiosk at the mall. In the Barbie universe, she probably has her own clothes line. She might have also been a movie or music star, too. Her 3 story house has a revolving wardrobe and an elevator! This woman must be brilliant! At the very least she could tutor me in calculus and give me etiquette training. No wonder Waylon Smithers is a collector.

What other toys would I bring to life? Twilight Sparkle! Although, she'd probably go crazy from boredom because all the books I own are rubbish. Spider-Man, definitely. He's a scientist and a photographer. Just don't put in ANY of his villains' toys in there. That could be dangerous. Except the King Pin, who could probably give you business advice and teach you how to beat the IRS. I wouldn't do Iron Man because Tony Stark is a dick and an alcoholic. I wouldn't touch Captain America either, unless you wanted to learn how to work out because otherwise that guy is limited to patriotism and Christianity.

You know what, I think I'd get on that internet and buy one of those hentai dolls? Maybe 8 and a toy octopus.

Hey, if you want a pet without having the burden of having a pet, you could circumvent a lot of it by getting a toy cat, dog, bird, whatever. Oh! Pikachu! No wait, that could be dangerous. Stay away from Pokemon.

Last but not least, something magic and wish granting, like Wanda from the Fairly Odd Parents or Disney's Aladdin. That would be awesome. I'd wish for a Super Nintendo.

This

from The Super Mario Bros. Super Show

The Check

If ever there was a missed Seinfeld plot, it's surely "The Check." I went to donate blood the other day, and someone thought my arm span was really, really long, and this prompted the nurse at Blood Source to ask out loud if I had really long fingers as she walked up to my hand and checked it out. Then she made a funny mhmmmm and looked away. So what's the problem? I recently learned you can predict penis size by comparing the length of his ring finger and his index finger. As it happens, the rest of my time at the Blood Source clinic that day felt off.

Gauntlet as a Party Game

It might just be for nerds, but the old arcade game Gauntlet is cool. The main problem is it gets old quick, but it is for 4 players and is probably meant to be played by 4 people. With some graphical updates and more fluid controls, they could probably make it a half decent party game. If you're not happy about the DnD theme, you could probably change it to a zombie apocalypse and there ya go.

I can think of 3 reasons why there hasn't been a party version. 1. It's too violent to be a party game. 2. The person or persons who own the rights don't think it's a good idea or the idea hasn't occurred to them. 3. It's a legitimately bad idea and I'm a moron. 

16 Reasons Why Pizza is Bullshit

     You know what food should be healthy? Pizza. It's part bread, part dairy, and the other part being either fruit if you're a biologist or vegetable if you're a bastard. Yet somehow, it's not healthy at all. Pizza dough is made with sugar, pizza sauce is made with various seasonings, oils, and still more sugar, and cheese has loads of fat, saturated fat and cholesterol. Also, somehow grease is involved. It's like someone has taken a healthy piece of food such as an apple and turned it into a dutch apple pie, and somehow America has been tricked into accepting the pizza pie as a proper meal item while all the other pies are still desserts. You don't eat a slice or two of Pecan Pie for supper.
     Pizza is mostly empty calories. What's more, if you have any discretionary calories at the end of the day or week, you don't get very much mileage out of a pizza when some slices have as much as 350 calories. It's not filling and it's gone in too few bites, so you won't be satisfied after just one slice. Lets not forget what goes with pizza: soda. Soda is all empty calories and its bad for your teeth. So what happens after you engorge on 3 slices of pizza and 2 glasses of soda plus some buttery garlic bread? Well, I'm pretty sure no one has sex after a meal like that.

The Story of How an Atheist Found Jesus

 one gloomy, grey day, i saw this dude jay walk and flip off cars that had to stop real hard and honk at him. he looked like a total asshole. But then, as he walked by a street preacher, the preacher just happen to gag on his water and he spit it out on the asshole. Lo and behold, the clouds parted and a ray of light shined on the asshole, and he started preaching too. So I said "gasp! its like a fucking virus!" Then, the chicken costume guy dancing with a chicken sign starts dancing and doing inappropriate things with his sign behind them, and the preachers threw water at him. His chicken costume caught fire and burned away revealing a beautiful white guy with long hair and a beard wearing a lot of white! Then all the cars stopped and everyone got out and gather around the man in white and started bowing and praying. Then he started passing out chicken and biscuits with gravy from a small bag. That's how I became a christian.

Movie Review: Star Trek into Darkness

     Has anyone else noticed that all the men in the J.J. Abrams Star Treks are fucking hot as shit, but all the women are at best pretty? There might be 30 or more odd things that stand out to me. Let's start from the beginning. Why doesn't Kirk seem to understand the rule about not interfering with primitive civilizations? Even I get that and I don't even live in the future, much less captain a star ship. "So they saw the ship? Big deal." said Kirk. The key word here is captain. You'd think there would be both moral and practical reasoning for this rule and that it would be made very clear for everyone in star fleet to understand, especially officers. Morality vs pragmatism is otherwise something Jim Kirk is all about in this movie, and I wonder if there's some inconsistency in his thought process for the sake of creating a righteous yet simultaneously rebellious hero.

1. Spock takes a pretty decent fall into a volcano and just happens to land on the only safe spot.
2. Sciencey Ice Bomb can freeze enough magma to prevent a super volcano from wiping out a species.
3. Jim Kirk has a threesome with a real furry. 
4. Spock is a dick to everyone. According to Spock, Vulcans don't lie. This will be contradicted later when Spock lies by omission, by giving Kahn all his torpedoes without mentioning that the crew have been painstakingly removed from of each.
5. Spock is a dick. He files a damning report on his friend and captain to a higher up. Said damning report is damning. What was he thinking?
6. Super intelligent Vulcans don't get sarcasm
7. Vulcans don't know when to shut up either.
8. Pike inexplicably finds Kirk in a bar. Pikes explanation is bullshit.
9. The scenes with the sick child and her family are nice, if not a little abrupt. I wonder why it looks like those parents are actually getting decent sleep.
10. Kirk is the only person who predicts that Kahn will attack the emergency star fleet meeting.
11. When the meeting is attacked, Kirk is the only person who fights back. 
12. The man attacking the meeting doesn't try to shoot the only person fighting back.
13. Kirk destroys a futuristic flying war vehicle with a fire hose after failing to do so with a futuristic laser gun. I wonder how that vehicle handles birds?
14. Star Fleet Admiral sends Kirk out on an unethical search and destroy mission. Is anyone else suspicious of this admiral yet?
15. Kirk and Spock lose their rank and ship for a whole 5 minutes. Who didn't see that coming?
16. Except for giving Kirk his job back, Pikes role and death are otherwise pointless. Revenge stories suck.
17. The engineer and not the captain is responsible for approving the weapons an admiral assigns to a ship?
18. Scotty resigns, but you know he's not going to be out of the movie.
19. Cute, unassuming blonde is mysteriously assigned to the enterprise.
20. Kirk's crew is not informed of their dangerous, highly unethical mission until after take off. Kirk is a dick to his crew.
21. Kirk reassigns the ships navigator to be head engineer. Aren't there other crew members who are full time engineers who would be better choices? This is an obvious decision to give this character a more significant role in this movie.
22. The Enterprise coincidentally has engine trouble. Shouldn't ace space ship engineer Scotty have noticed this long ago while getting the enterprise ready for take off?
23. Most qualified people to captain of the ship leave to go on a dangerous field mission instead of sending more qualified crew.
24. Spock and Uhura wait until they're on a dangerous, unethical mission to talk about their relationship.
25. Spock estimates the likeliness that Kahn will not surrender is 91.6%. Shut up, Spock.
26. Uhura thinks she is a badass diplomat. 
27. Klingons bring swords to a gun fight.
28. Sword wielding Klingons get the upper hand on 2 gun slinging star fleet security personal and 2 gun toting officers.
29. Mysterious gunman magnificently dual wields a rifle and a cannon.
30. Mysterious gunman discards his rifle and cannon to knife fight the Klingon fencers.
31. Kirk can't recognize when he's punching someone much, much tougher than normal humans.
32. Kirk says "cuff him." Did they bring Star Fleet handcuffs on the secret black ops mission?
33. Kirk talks to Kahn in the brig. "Don't listen to him, you can't believe anything he says" cliche.
34. "Prisoner gives cryptic information to the hero" cliche.
35. Only Spock knows that Carol is bogus. Spock doesn't do or say anything about it. How did Carol forge her way onto the enterprise for a classified mission? Is Star Fleet easy to hack?
36. Mysterious new crew member just happens to be related to the villain.
37. Bones is always inexplicably miserable.
38. Space age explosive concealing a living, breathing, presumably innocent person by a black government agency is easily opened and can be disarmed.
39. Space ship captain has a private phone call in the middle of a busy hallway.
40. Scotty goes to Jupiter and easily gains access to a secret, black government spook operation.
41. Kirk has a dangerous, healthy prisoner taken to sick bay.
42. Highly intelligent, highly motivated super soldier does nothing to improve his circumstances by leaving Kirk to figure out for himself that he is horribly doomed.
43. Kirk doesn't inform his crew they are patsies to an evil government administration. Kirk is a dick to his crew. 
44. Carol says her father tells her abou
45. Admiral Marcus unexpectedly arrives in a secret, black, unmarked government spook ship. Doesn't anyone in star fleet take a even casual interest in new star flee ships enough to know this is a very bad thing?
46. Marcus fires on the Enterprise and Kirk doesn't stop him by telling him his daughter on board which could possibly save everyone.
47. Scotty hacks the secret government black spook ship. Spooks suck at being spooks.
48. Marcus swiftly warps his daughter off the enterprise without ordering his goons to do so. How?
49. Scotty is questioned by a goon on the spook ship. Why does the low level spook question an unauthorized intruder during a battle? Worst spook ever.
50. Old Spock inexplicable appears. The reasoning for old Spocks appearance is bullshit.
51. Old Spock has black hair in this movie. Is Old Spocks hair fake? I guess Leonard Nemoy told somebody to go fuck themselves with that hair cut.
52. Old Spock breaks his vow to keep secret future of Spock a secret. This is obviously J.J. struggling to write Spock concluding that Kahn is very dangerous naturally.
53. Kirk, Kahn, and Scotty arrive at the bridge of the black spook ship. The bridge of the black spook ship is actually black.
54. Kirk intends to take the evil, power abusing, war mongering Admiral who exploits and condemns innocent people as a prisoner. Fuck that. Kill him.
55.  Kahn, who is a brutal mass murder, does mysterious debilitating attack to unspecified body part of female character. Go sexual equality, go.
56. Kahn brutally crushes Marcus' skull.
57. The Enterprise starts falling to Earth and no one knows what to do during this emergency except for the 2 people who are currently off the ship.
58. Kahn crashes black spook ship into a city and survives by hiding behind his chair. I guess we were doing it wrong the whole time.
59. Is Star Fleet headquarters in a city or is it the whole city?
60. No one runs from the crashing star ship.
61. No one on Earth notices kamakaze star ship at all? Where's NORAD to monitor the sky and to fire missiles when you need it?
62. Following the city sized crash of a giant star ship, Kahn surviving a 30 meter jump is what impresses the crew of the Enterprise.
63. Kahn puts on a trench coat. Trench coat is obviously there to make Kahn look cool.
64. No one tries to stop a man in a black trench coat being pursued by an armed star fleet science officer after a serious catastrophe.
65. "Fight scene on moving vehicles in traffic" cliche.
66. Spock rips off a piece of an aircraft with his bear hand.
67. Spock takes a beating from a man who survived a 30 meter jump following a city sized star ship crash with no marks.
68. Spock survives a beating from a man who can crush human heads in his bear hands.
69. Spock wins.
70. Spock can clearly hear Uhura on top of a moving vehicle amidst the roar of the wind.
71. Kirks fake-out death is a fake-out.
72. Kirk gives a speech at the rechristening of the enterprise. His poster at the podium is inappropriate for a humble, memorial speech.
73. 
    

more to come.

$1000 Naked Shopping Spree

I just had an idea for a reality game show. Yeah, I know, I'm scum, right? It's a show where we give people $1,000 shopping sprees and make them do the spree naked. There is actually no intellectual value whatsoever, and it's not even real porn. Also, this show might be discriminating against the non-photogeneic, which is sad.

First you get a store.
Second, you get tons of cameras. Low angle shots are fair game.
Third, you get people who are willing to run naked through said store for 10 minutes completely naked on TV or the internet. Make them do a naked interview where you ask them what kind of stuff they might want before their spree. After each spree, there will be some kind of follow up interview where you look at all the stuff they got and ask them about it.

If you've seen the kind of porn that comes out of Japan, you know there's already  a culture where we can totally pull this off. If not, parts of Europe will probably be very OK with it. You know what, 30 minutes of this is probably not stimulating and unsatisfying, so suppose we condense it to 2 minutes and air it for 1 commercial break per program (obviously, this is an idea to implement for a porn themed TV channel). Then offer viewers the the opportunity to watch all our full sprees on the internet.

Or just put the show on the internet. Whateves.

If they finish without spending all the money, the remainder goes to a charity that either the contestant or the shows sponsor picks (ha, we're awesome!). If they go over $1,000, there's a penalty where they have to do a silly 1 minute dance before they're allowed to get dressed and obviously they don't get to keep any of the merchandise they picked after hitting $1,000.

If there's is any redeeming value to this beside being junk food for the brain, we might make a psychological discovery about the differences in purchasing decisions people make when they're clothed and when they're naked and have a thousand dollars of somebody elses money to burn.

Addendum: 2 minutes after original post.
There's already something vaguely similar to this out there and not as good as this idea. 

How I feel about House M.D.

Once upon a time, I really liked this show. One night I was almost mugged, and I had two thoughts on my mind: "Am I gonna get stabbed with a screwdriver?" and "it's gonna start in 5 minutes!"

Americans Are Stupid and Here's Some Anecdotal Evidence

I work in retail. I work in one of those big super markets like Target or Wal-Mart, but for the sake of keeping my personal and professional shenanigans separate, let's not say specifically which store I work.  I work in the automotive department where I meet some of the stupidest morons you'll encounter in America.

There's two kinds of people who shop in the automotive department: 1, People who REALLY know what they're looking for and 2, people who barely count as people. The Latter will actually ask me "Do you work in this department? Could you **recommend me oil/filter/spark plugs/battery/etc.?" One thing that frustrates me is this: I don't even own a car. Need I say more? What I actually mean is that I know squat about cars, so I am often put in a position where I have to explain "yes, I work in automotive but no, I don't know anything about cars. Yeah, that is funny, isn't it?"

Here's where I'm going with this, you might even call it the punchline: What the hell are people doing asking GODDAMN CLERKS for advice on caring for their $10,000-$25,000+ investments! I'm just a clerk, I stock the shelves and I help people find shit. Also, I *clean up after them. If I knew enough about cars that I could teach people basic car maintenance in one sitting I'd have a marketable skill! Why the fuck don't you ask your mechanic? You know, the person who actually went to school to study cars! These people are so stupid that they ask perfect strangers to tell them how to care for their cars. I could sabotage them. "5w-30? No, fuck that shit. That's bullshit. You know what they put in those formula 1 cars? Crisco. I would recommend that."

You know, I really appreciate a self reliant customer. The department has these machines and books scattered around that you can use to look up what parts or oil your car needs. People are generally too stupid to use them and require me to use them for them.

*People actually leave messes behind as they shop, including their garbage.
**key. fucking. phrase!

10 Reasons Why Zombie Apoclypse Preparation Won't Matter

In case of a zombie apocalypse, grab a gun or a sword, get your friends, and head over to the nearest Wal-Mart, right? Barricade yourselves inside, play video games, eat snacks, actively hunt zombies and search for survivors, fall in love with the hot chick, etc. Well, a zombie apocalypse might seem like a big deal but it's small potatoes compared to what you're actually about to face. 1 of 2 things, or both: because we haven't the technology and nature is most certainly not primed to spawn a zombie virus anytime soon, the appearance of a zombie apocalypse denotes either the start of a new Dark Age or an Alien Invasion.

New Dark Age
In the event of a ZA, the potential for a new dark age is very real because if enough of the right people die off, we will lose our ability to use our own technology and all societal structure will crumble with no political stability. The survivors will go through all the available food and resources and/or it will spoil within a year, max three and by then you're not eating a healthy, balanced diet. You are going to have to reinvent agriculture and raise future generations to revive all our lost technology. Worse case scenario, let's say enough drug cartel guys or something like that survive. You're fucked. You don't want to have to compete with people like that. They will make the new dark age violent, sad, and longer than it needs to be.

The Alien Invasion
This is ingenious because no one besides me has ever thought of this, ever. Why would invading aliens fly around zapping us, (although zapping is also pretty bad for us)? A star aged culture would be able to use a weaponized disease such as a zombie virus if not something less modern horror. It's highly contagious with a 100% infection rate. Fuck "Warm Bodies." Our population would be reduced to a tiny fraction very rapidly. Due to the collapse of society we would have no technology and no resources to speak of. They'd conquer the shit out of us in less than 6 months.

I would take the easy route and shoot myself in the brain pretty early on. Right before that I'd probably dick pick the FCC or something.

$3 Coffee is Bullshit

Nothing makes me feel white guilt, period, end of story, except for Star Bucks. It's walking out of a needlessly fancy building (expensive bullshit facade with bullshit trendy, pretentious atmosphere and bad music especially during the winter holiday season) with an overpriced, over-sized snack-treat which I didn't earn that morning (or week/month/year!) that I don't share with anyone while children are staving in the cold with disease, witnessing death, sadness and ruin most of the world over. That to me is more indecent than an accidental nipple or doing an overtly sexual dance at a legal age of ones own free will. Starbucks fuels my misanthropy. An entire species of asshats so woefully selfish that Starbucks (as well as the Superbowl and denying equality to people based on sexual orientation) take precedence in their minds before helping the less fortunate and making the world a better place. I wonder how many of the great minds of our time do their best work inside of a Starbucks! Oh, how I mope, and such a delight is my impotence.

 I think the average drink at Starbucks is 3 to 5 dollars and some drinks have as many (empty) calories as a whole meal. Starbucks has taken the commodity of the coffee bean and turned it into an empire on which you could base dystopian fiction. Sure, less romantic than a resource like gold or coal, and that's what makes it so much darker! I think its sad, at the time of this writing, that dystopia is not a word recognized by blogger, but it knows that Starbucks is a proper noun! Kleptocracy.

Please bring back $0.99 coffee, which I still think is overpriced for roasted bean juice and milk. You know what I do for coffee? I buy a big container of dehydrated coffee for ~$4 two or three times a year and add silk. It get's old and there is a quality to it which I can't put my finger on that I don't quite like, but to me, it isn't that much worse than the crap I get from Starbucks; This is where some of the guilt comes from - it's fancy coffee that is only slightly better than my coffee. I suppose my palette is not refined enough to appreciate the Starbucks quality. So what? That's Starbucks' problem.

Also, nice topless mermaid. Ass.

In Need of a Male Opinion?

Society is complicated. A particular conflict of mine is that I'm under the (miss?)conception that women really, really appreciate compliments; however, I almost never compliment anyone, ever, even if it'd be really easy because I don't know what is appropriate to say as well as how to say it and at what point in any type of relationship does what become acceptable or obsolete. For instance, when can you reassure a young woman that she, in spite of having a fat day when she didn't have enough time to do her hair and makeup and when a few extra errands left her feeling less than fresh, that she shouldn't worry, i.e., is still sexy or attractive, without giving her the idea that you are a creep and/or interested in dating? Also, if I tell a woman she looks good today, does that imply that she looks ugly on other days or that by good I mean GOOOOD wink wink nudge nudge? 

Sometimes, I have heard women chatting about how they feel about themselves and it felt like I could make someones day by telling her she looks good. Too bad I don't know how. Does that mean I have weird social disorders because I actually fear repercussions for complimenting people?! I mean, I know I'd be flattered if someone told me I look good; and in some ways, the less I know them the more it might mean because some friends don't see our flaws like we do and we mostly dismiss those friends because we know a. they're just looking out for out emotional well being and b. how qualified is our average friend to protect our  emotional well-being?

If I just walk up to a sad looking woman on the street and offer her a pretty flower and a reassuring smile that says "life's a bitch, hang in there, you can do it!" all in an attempt to brighten her day and nothing else, am I doing a  random act of kindness or am I scaring the shit out of her?! Will she slap me and begin venting all her pent up frustrations as a member of a discriminated social group or become infatuated with me even though oops I didn't mean it like that. I'm under the impression that all women just have the worst suspicions of men these days. Thanks for that irrational and crippling fear, modern feminism! You have surely reduced the reproduction of our species to rapist and stupid people.

Also, I never try to do or say anything assuring to men either because it would be sexist if I chose to make small differences in peoples days based on gender. Once again, thank you modern feminism. I could be the guy making big fucking differences with little things in this world if I weren't so scared of offending women or women thinking I'm a predator or a sexist. I can picture older, more experienced people laughing, finding my dilemma humorously charming. Fuck you, out with the advice, already! And help me do my taxes! Asses!

You know what? I'm not sure the central idea is obvious enough. I usually feel that people, dumb though they may be, are still smart enough to deduce my point or points when I write in a way that tries to credit their  intelligence while also trying to appeal to their sense of humor, and I do like to think of my ramblings as something so smart that you are supposed to think about it, but this time I'm not sure. Fuck the essay format.

Product Review: Draino

It seems to me like Draino wants people to think it can clear ANY clog. It even says on the bottle "for tough clogs..." recommending you use a whole $8 bottle and wait for a whole hour! Does anyone else get that impression? Well, I've had 2 lame bathroom sinks for long enough, and Draino was mo' like lameo, so I visited Youtube for a 2 minute solution and bam! Apparently, clearing a bathroom sink is a 5 minute operation if you tie one arm behind your back, use both feet and no eyes. There was this gross, smelly mass of stuff that came out. Thanks for dissolving that, Draino. Draino Co., I'll be sending it your way in a box marked "you had one job." Bam.

Space Healing

I'm Pro-Suicide, Pro-Euthanasia, Pro-Abortion, Anti-Murder

I think my country has it backwards. We murder here. There's execution, war, and other means of justifiable homicide, like when civilians murder dangerous intruders out of self defense or when the police must resort to lethal force. So like I said, we murder here, but we seem to like to think about murder like it's an absolute wrong; We are after all, a largely christian country. We imprison people for murder, and then we murder them (sometimes), and that's hypocrisy.

Then there's the other kinds of murder we don't like. This is why my country does it ass-backwards (insert funny picture of someone with a big ass going in reverse).

Suicide: If someone doesn't have the right to kill themselves, then do they really own themselves? If you want to die, that's your choice, isn't it? I've never been suicidal, but I've had thoughts of suicide. Sure, it's tragic, and a lot of people live through it and find something worth living for again. Some people don't find happiness again. It's your life and you should have the right to die. We have the right to life, but not death?

Euthanasia: Same thing as suicide really, but the circumstances are different. In this case, someone wants to die but is unable to do it themselves. Maybe they have no arms or legs? Whatever the case, they still must have the right to die, and there are people who would help them and be happy with it.

Abortion: If you call it pro-choice or terminate a pregnancy or whatever, and not calling it what it is, you're engaging in what George Carlin calls bullshit and you're deluding yourselves. It's a euphemism you use to make yourself feel better about the subject, and by using it you are also unwittingly (points used for very apt use of unwittingly)  admitting to negative, dark, and ugly connotations, denotations or implications of the subject matter despite the good feelings you get from championing it as "a cause" for pro-choice or women's rights. You're a coward and you suck. I'm pro-abortion. Let this mostly irrelevant rant supplement an actual argument because you can find those everywhere.

Murder: You know what we should do? We as a society? We should stop looking at the subject of murder as a negative thing and take it case by case. Murder is taking someones' right to life without their consent. It's a violation of another persons' natural rights (the rights bestowed upon you by nature, an absurd concept actually). What justifies this? On a side note, none of us consented to life when we were conceived or born; it was forced on us.

Astronauts are not Heroes

Hero being relative, you first space explorers and you current space explorers are not my heroes. You may be heroes to someone else, and I can respect that, but I think fourth dimensionally. As I see it, the potential of this species has always included space, and so, it was going to happen anyway, which ultimately makes the space age completely mundane. Sure, it's exciting when your baby takes its' first steps, but that's nothing worth creating a holiday over. It was going to happen, anyway.

You, the first astronauts and all your successors, were just the right jerks at the right time. Sure you have to bust your ass to get into space, but I think what it ultimately comes down to is random chance, which I've explained in a previous article called "Pride is Bullshit." Don't confuse the actions and accomplishments that you've carried out as yours and as special cases independent from the rest of the species. This species was either able to go into space or it wasn't, and given the current cultural level of the species, the pool of candidates has a lot of superstitiousness, laziness, selfishness, ignorance, and saturated fats. Is it really something special to say that you were selected, given the competition? Congratulations, you're not so shitty, want a medal? Why sure, we'll have one waiting for you once you get back from your big, fancy rocket trip.

And I acknowledge that going into space has had everything to do with the world as it is now and on me. Technology, art, even jokes about your anus. If it didn't happen, Earth may even be so different that I may not have been born. Who knows? That's not a shock to me, that's causality, which is also boring to watch. I know, it takes a lot to impress me. I'm such an asshole.

1 Black Wall? Eureka!

Many years ago I was out driving to get dinner and I decided to try a different route to avoid traffic. This new street had one house that stood out because it was a nice house in a poor neighborhood and as I drove past it I saw through the window that it had one black wall. I thought "that's a really interesting interior design choice." Well I thought it over for a few YEARS and just today as I was eating peanuts I realized that it might be a way to reduce glare on the TV. By the way, playing Resident Evil games with a glare on the TV means you can't see jack shit. Anyway, one black wall sounds really neat and I'm inclined to try it.

Joshisms: The Angry Critic Response

Joshisms: Sometimes I invent my own words because as technology and culture advance, there are more and more nameless concepts that come into being. Naming unnamed concepts and ideas is important because without words for our ideas, humans aren't able to successfully communicate and understand the world. In fact, naming new concepts is how how people become aware of new concepts. Truly, language is flawed and imperfect for communicating ourselves. Thus, language is ever growing and ever changing.

The Angry Critic Response: A natural function of an intelligent, developing culture in response to a stagnant or depreciating quality in it's art. It's a natural phenomenon, like an immune response to a disease inside a body, for individuals become so disappointed and so unsatisfied with the current state of art that they react in such a way, with such intensity that it becomes an art form in and of itself, and indeed, is a higher from of art at the time. The ultimate affect of the response is that it creates a need in the culture for a change in its art and art can begin changing to satisfy that need.

Pride is Bullshit

     I can explain this from 2 perspectives: The christian perspective and the atheist perspective.
     First off, Christianity and the Christian God, just for the sake of thoroughness, both consider pride and the proud wrong. Period, end of story. In fact, you are considered an abomination and you WILL be punished. So if you're Christian and proud of anything you have or are then congratulations, you're a bad Christian and the bible says things about you that are more hurtful than I would say.
    Now for the atheist perspective. Let's start by looking up the definition. Pride is defined as an excessively high opinion of oneself; Pleasure or Satisfaction in something you've done or something that belongs to you.
    Before I go on, here's a question I want you to answer to yourself now: Can you be proud of something you are given for nothing? I say no, you can't be proud of something you haven't earned. If a random person randomly gives me a million dollars, I'm not going to feel proud of that. The proper sensation to feel in response to such an event is thankfulness. One is not likely to be proud of being handed a fortune, although one might be proud to have earned one them self. Right?
    I still call rubbish because I believe everything you have or don't have, everything you are or are not, everything that makes you who you are all comes down to chance. So let me rephrase my earlier question. If you got really lucky in a game of roulette and walked out of the casino with a million dollars, would you feel proud or lucky? Unless you think it's all because of the psychic skills you've been honing in your spare time, the proper sensation is to feel lucky.
    Let's create a fictional person we'll call Prince. Prince is male, white, perfectly healthy, has above average intelligence and is good looking. His loving parents are healthy too, physically and psychologically. They both have jobs that pay loads and give them lots of benefits including a very flexible schedule to be with Prince whenever he's in need. Prince is sent to good schools and he excels because he just happens to be genuinely interested in the material and he takes real pleasure in succeeding academically. Because of his straight A's and his parents money, he can go to any school. This kid is set up to succeed right from the start. In addition to all that, because of his natural kindness he's easy to get along with making him an even better prospective mate.
    Now, let's make another fictional character who we'll call Pauper. To start with, Pauper happens to be female, black, and just for funzies, let's also make her gay. Pauper was born into a dysfunctional home. Her dad has a drug problem and he's physically and emotionally abusive to Pauper. Her mom gets sick and dies when Pauper is only 6. Her dad collects welfare and relies on the public school system to giver her free meals. She's generally sad and lonely which keeps her from feeling good about herself and she's hungry all the time, so she can't focus in class. Pauper's life could go ever further south, but let's say she manages a to work really hard at two jobs and after completing high school with average grades she goes to college. Then she gets a good job in her field of choice, medicine. She should feel proud of how much she had to overcome to get to be where she is right?
    No, here's what to consider. There are lots of Princes who don't succeed and lots of Paupers who do. So what's in their heads anyway? Your nature has a lot to do with it as well as what stimuli you're exposed to. Some people naturally have a lot less patience, kindness, courage, and/or intelligence. Some people have issues with drive, motivation, and discipline. Some people have what they might call an "addictive personality" to explain their issues with drugs or even poor time management. Why do some people who earn minimum wage spend a hefty portion of it on cigarettes and others do not? Why do some rape victims become stronger and others become hermits?  
     Here's where I'm going: WE ARE NOT ALL EQUAL*. You didn't decide what gets put in your mind. Look at it physiologically. The neurons and neural passages in your head can not be rearranged on command. They are arranged over many years. All your strengths and weaknesses are more or less fixed. You don't decide what intangible assets or other resources you get. You don't choose what influences you will have, good or bad. You don't choose what experiences you get to have and how they effect you. DNA. All these things contribute to the arrangement of your neurons which is what makes you you. In reality, you have so little willful, purposeful control of how it happens while all the major parts happens. You can't be proud of chance. You can't be proud of anything at all.

    On an unrelated note, as I child I always felt that adults were using Thanksgiving as a time of year to make me feel bad about myself because, as it seemed to me, they kept telling me that I wasn't thankful or thankful enough for what I had and I believed them. I still resent it somewhat to this day.

*Although we should treat one another as equals.

Decency is Bullshit

Look at the *definition of the word decency:  
1) conformity to the recognized standard of propriety, good taste, modesty, etc. 

2) the recognized standards of decent or proper behavior 

Decency is relative. I remember a story about an old woman who called the police on a college girl for wearing a bikini at a taco bell. That's the most inane definition of the word. How about this: Let's say I told you the president had a very fine pair of shoes worth one thousand dollars. Don't you consider that indecent that there's a man with a single pair of shoes that costs as much someone's monthly rent? One more example, have you ever observed a situation where someone used a bad word and someone else spoke out against it as indecent language? How about: it's indecent to impose your beliefs on others.

Now, if I'm going to say that it's indecent to impose our beliefs on others, than that makes democracy indecent if it's based on a majority making decisions for a disagreeable minority. And, if I'm going to say that it's indecent to own a $1,000 pair of shoes relative to the average rent, than perhaps it's also indecent to for me to drink clean water and eat healthy food when 2/3s of the world doesn't have adequate soil for basic agriculture.

Not only is decency relative, it's also absurd and it's ridiculous to attach negative or positive meaning to it because it cannot be done objectively. If you want to tell me a bikini is indecent, I can't accept that. Don't even explain why it's not decent, just skip to the part where you demonstrate that it does evident harm to others. If you can show how it does you harm, and possibly taking into account what redeeming value or alternate positive affects there might be, I will reconsider.

*Basically what it boils down to is a rule in society as opposed to a scientific law, something that is universally logical and enduring.